It was after Christmas that matters were brought to a head, and that the
last great adventures of my life came about that closed all that I
thought to be life at that time. Even now, so many years after, I can
scarce bear to write them down, though, as I look back upon them now,
there were at least two matters for which I should have thanked God even
then. I thank Him now.

* * * * *

It was on the last Thursday but one, in January, to be precise, that I
was coming back from a ride, having been down the river-bank past
Chelsea, where I had seen, I remember, Winchester House--that great
place with all its courts--and my Lord Bishop returning in his coach: I
do not remember anything else that I saw, for I was very heavy indeed
and more than ever determined that, if matters did not mend very soon, I
would be off to France (where, six months later, I should be obliged to
go in any case when my estates would come to me), if not to Rome. It was
near five months now that I had lived in disgrace, His Majesty not
speaking to me above three or four times all that while, and then only
to avoid incivility.

I could not understand why it was that he behaved so to me. He must know
by now, surely, that I had never been anything but faithful to him; and
I strove to put away the thought that it was mere caprice, and that he
often behaved so to others. But I am afraid that such was the case.
There were plenty of folks at Court, or who had left it, who had once
been in high favour and had ceased to be, through no fault of their own.
Neither would I seek consolation from any other source. The Duke was
civil to me whenever we met, and I suppose he knew that I was in
trouble, but he never spoke of it. Indeed it was a sad change from the
time when I had returned so joyfully, and found my new lodgings waiting
for me.

* * * * *

As we came up through Westminster I was riding alone, for I had bidden
my man James to go aside to a little shop that was almost on our route,
behind the abbey, to buy me something that I needed--I think it was a
pair of cuffs; but I am not sure. It was very near dark, and the lamps
were not yet lighted.

As I came towards the gate of Whitehall, I was riding very carelessly
and heavily, paying little attention to anything, for I was thinking, as
it happened, of Dolly, with an extraordinary misery in my heart, and of
how I should ever tell her (unless