hat day did the Fourth of July fall in the year 1788?

_Answer_.--On the Fourth.

_James Lobbs_.--How long ago is it since desiccated soup first came
into use?

_Answer_.--At least as long ago as the days of CROMWELL, whose advice to
his troops was "Put your trust in Providence, and keep your chowder
dry."

_Bach_.--Is the practice of divorce a mark of civilization?

_Answer_--It is. In the Gorilla family, (the nearest approach to the
human,) divorce is not practiced, but it is in Indiana, which is usually
considered to be a State of Civilization.

* * * * *

PAT TO THE QUESTION.

Our law-makers in Congress--or rather law-cobblers, for few of them have
risen to the dignity of makers--are asked to repeal the _per cap_. duty
imposed by California on all Chinamen imported there.

The Californians have the authority of Congress itself, for this duty.
By reference to "HEYL'S Rates of Duties on Imports," page 36, art. 691,
under head of "Act of June 30, 1864, chap. 171," "An act to increase
Duties on Imports," etc., we find "on paddy one cent and a half per
pound." Now if a good-sized Irishman pays $2.25, why shouldn't a
"Celestial" pay as much in proportion to the weight of his _corpus_?

* * * * *

Contradictory.

It appears that, by a joint resolution of Congress, the use of "that
first-class humbug and fraud, the whiskey meter," has been abolished.
Now there are dozens of members of Congress who are not only
"first-class humbugs and frauds," but whiskey meters, to whom whiskey is
both meat and drink, and yet who ever heard of their proposing to
abolish themselves?

* * * * *

[Illustration: STAY-AT-HOME PEOPLE

FOLKS MAY NOT BE ABLE TO GO TO NEWPORT OR LONG BRANCH, BUT THEY CAN
ALWAYS CREATE A LOCAL SENSATION BY TAKING A FOOT-BATH IN THE BACK-YARD.]

* * * * *

MURPHY THE CONQUEROR

BY CORPORAL QUINN.

Come tip us your fist, then, yer sowl you;
Since iver I come from the wars
The like wasn't heerd. Fill the bowl you
Bowld sons of MILESIUS and MARS;
And dhrink to ould Ireland the turfy
That's shmilin' out there in the say,
Wid three cheers for the conqueror MURPHY.
Whoo! America's ours from to-day.

Och! SAYZAR he walloped the Briton,
The Tarthars leap't China's big wall,
ALEXANDTHUR did half the wurld sit on,
But niver touched I