ll, whom millions love to live upon, and spend
their lives in getting out his affections and his purse.

"Now John and Jonathan had for many years amused one another with the
long-drawn music of diplomacy, played on very expensive keys, made
with the express view of settling all ungrateful international
growlings. Diplomacy, nevertheless, found these growlings beyond its
power to reconcile; and now, having worn out its pipe over them, they
were shuffled off upon the genius of a mixed commission, which high
convention was expected to exert common sense and forego etiquette,
and result in a mutual settlement of all outstanding questions since
1812. But, by a mysterious process, which never fails of effect in
such cases, a deal of time had been unprofitably consumed by this
supposed immaculate commission. And now the high contracting parties
sought an extension, that much more might be consumed in the very same
way. Uncle Sam being very good-natured, the request could not be
refused.

"Through the Strand to Wellington street, Mister Smooth wended his
way, and soon found himself between rows of high and stately
buildings, in one of which, all calm and easy, sat the convention.
Entering a narrow arch to the right, he passed down a passage so
intricate and dark that it had the appearance of leading to a cave,
and in a few minutes was confronted by a polite attendant, who ushered
him into the presence of the international dignitaries, then sitting
round a large square table, in the centre of the room, in moody
contemplation. The room was high of ceiling, about twenty-five by
eighteen feet in dimensions, and in appearance very well adapted to
the pursuit of knowledge, for the display of legal ability. Upon the
table, which seemed somewhat infirm, lay in excellent disorder, a few
massive books, two green bags, a jacknife, Murray's Grammar, Walker's
largest Dictionary, four large pipes, an ample supply of fine-cut
tobacco, and sundry very bad writing materials. In one corner of the
room spread out a green screen, behind which was various simple but
very useful ware; this, together with two extra chairs for strangers,
standing at the other corner, constituted the furniture. There was a
strong legal air about the table, notwithstanding its promiscuous
burden. At the head of it sat like Cicero--but he had none of Cicero's
genius in his soul!--a man moody of countenance and portly of person:
he was called the Umpire, and they said