! Paris, beauteous city of the lost. Surely in Babylon
or in Nineveh, where SEMIRAMIS of old queened it over men, never
was such madness--madness did I say? Why? What did I mean? Tush! the
struggle is over, and I am calm again, though my blood still hums
tumultuously. The world is very evil. My father died choked by a
_marron_. I, too, am dead--I who have written this rubbish--I am dead,
and sometimes, as I walk, my loved one glides before me in aerial
phantom shape, as on page 4, Vol. II. But I am dead--dead and
buried--and over my grave an avenue of gigantic chestnuts reminds the
passer-by of my fate: and on my tombstone it is written, "Here lies
one who danced a cancan and ate _marrons glaces_ all day. Be warned!"
THE END.

* * * * *

QUITE EXCEPTIONAL THEATRICAL NEWS.--Next Thursday at the Vaudeville,
the Press and the usual Free-Admissionaries will be let in for
_Money_.

* * * * *

MORE KICKS THAN HALFPENCE.

"The root of Volunteer inefficiency is to be ascribed to the
Volunteer officer. The men are such as their officers make
them ... The force is 1,100 officers short of its proper
complement."--_Times_.

[Illustration: _General Redtape_ (_of the Intelligence Department,
W.O._) "WHAT! GOING TO RESIGN!"

_Volunteer Officer_. "YES. WHY SHOULD I ONLY GET YOUR KICKS FOR MY
HALFPENCE?"]

* * * * *

MORE KICKS THAN HALFPENCE.

_VOLUNTEER OFFICER, LOQUITUR_.--

Yes, take back the sword! Though the _Times_ may expostulate,
Tired am I wholly of worry and snubs.
You'll find, my fine friend, what your folly has cost you, late,
Henceforth for me the calm comfort of Clubs!
To lounge on a cushion and hear the balls rattle
'Midst smoke-fumes, and sips on the field of green cloth,
Is better than leading slow troops to sham battle,
In stupid conditions that rouse a man's wrath.

Commissions, they say, go a-begging. Precisely!
Incapables take them, but capables shy.
For twenty-one years you have harried us nicely.
And now, like the rest, we're on Strike, Sir. And why?
The game, you old fossil, is not worth the candle,
Your kicks for my halfpence? The bargain's too bad!
If you want bogus leaders sham soldiers to handle,
You'll now have to take duffers, deadheads, and cads!

The _Times_ wisely says you should make it attractive,
This Volunteer busines