."

Everyone's truly, THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.

* * * * *

WHAT IT WILL COME TO!

(_A FRAGMENT FROM A MILITARY-COMMERCIAL ROMANCE OF THE FUTURE._)

And so Mr. ELLERSDEE approached his proposed recruit, and invited him
to lunch to discuss the matter quietly.

"You are very good," returned the other, "but I can assure you I eat
nothing before dinner. Won't you have a cigar?"

Mr. ELLERSDEE accepted the proffered kindness, and remarked upon the
excellent quality of the tobacco.

"Yes," assented his companion, "it is not half bad, for we get all our
supplies from the Stores; and now what can I do for you?"

Then Mr. ELLERSDEE unfolded his sad story. England was losing her
commercial prosperity, owing to a scarcity of labourers, artisans,
nay, even clerks. The Empire was in as bad a condition as those
foreign countries in which forced military service was established.
Like France and Germany, trade was being ruined by the Army. Would not
the young man desert, and become a recruit in the Labour League?

"My dear friend," was the reply, "I hope I am as patriotic as most
people, but I cannot sacrifice my just interest entirely to sentiment.
What can you give me in exchange for my present life? I have
recreation-rooms, libraries, polytechnics, and every sort of
amusement?"

"But also drill and discipline," urged the other.

"Which I am told by my medical attendant (whose services by the way
are gratuitous), are excellent for my health. This being so, I can
scarcely complain of those institutions. Then I have excellent pay
and ample food. Now, I ask you frankly, can the advantages offered by
Trade compare for a moment with the privileges, as a soldier, I now
enjoy? Tell me frankly, shall I improve my position by giving up the
Army?"

And Mr. ELLERSDEE was compelled to answer in the negative!

* * * * *

THE DIARY OF AN OLD JOKE.

(_POSTHUMOUSLY PRINTED BY KIND PERMISSION OF WIT, HUMOUR, & CO.,
LIMITED._)

_April 1_.--My birthday; have no idea which. Old as the hills, but
not quite so pointed; venerable, but broken down, and used up; not the
Joke I used to be; once the rich darling of Society: but it (Society)
didn't pay, so had to work hard for a living. _Tit Bits_, the
_National Observer_, and the Chancery Judges, have impoverished me.
Never mind--I'll be revenged--resolve to keep a Diary--"_weekly diary
of a weakly_"--oh dear! my old infirmity