rkey emerge from this side of Paris and proceed to insult
the United States of America by hideous gobblings. The alarm was at
once given, and after swearing at his men to give them confidence, the
conservative Kentucky chap led them forth to capture the obscene bird.
Onward pushed the spectacled veterans, with fixed bayonets, addressing
their eyes with pleasant oaths, and hoping that they might meet Horace
Greeley.

The Confederate turkey was eating a worm at the moment, and only paused
long enough to eye our troops with that species of disdain which comes
of Southern birth. He felt, as it were, that he was protected by the
Constitution of our forefathers.

The conservative Kentucky chap, being fond of turkey for dinner
himself, waved his glittering sword above his head, and says he:

"The South has brought this upon herself. Make ready.--"

He was about to add "Fire!" my boy! but he had just put on his
spectacles, and a sudden change came over his Kentucky countenance.
Says he:

"For Heaven's sake, don't fire! Vallandigham me," says he, staring
right over the turkey,--"Vallandigham me, if I didn't come near telling
them to shoot! And there's a nigger coming after the turkey as sure as
death. Ah! what an escape!"

A Mackerel chap, who had noticed his staring and great agitation,
approached respectfully, and says he:

"Does a obstacle to victory protrude?"

The conservative Kentucky chap spat at a copy of the "Tribune," which
he threw upon the ground for the purpose, and says he:

"Notwithstanding any Proclamations whatsoever, Kentucky is not waging
this war against the institution of slavery. In the dim distance I
behold a contraband apparently approaching the turkey, and there must
be no bombardment until he has returned to his rightful owner."

The Mackerel chap wiped his boots with the "Tribune," and says he:

"I do not see our brother Africa at all."

Here the Confederate turkey, who had finished his worm, turned heavily
from the scene, and presently disappeared on the other side of Paris.

The Kentucky chap still kept staring afar off, and says he:

"Why, I can see him, though he appears to be at a great distance."

Now it chanced, my boy, that while the conservative Kentucky chap was
saying this, the Mackerel chap gazed at him fixedly, and then says he,
in just astonishment:

"Methinks there is a object on one of the glasses of your spectacles,
Capting."

Frantically the Kentucky chap tore off