be on
his guard against his own generous thoughts. His heart is seared and
contracted by this struggle, the current of life sets toward the brain,
and the callousness of the Parisian is the result--the condition of
things in which schemes for power and wealth are concealed by the most
charming frivolity, and lurk beneath the sentimental transports that
take the place of enthusiasm. The simplest-natured woman in Paris always
keeps a clear head even in the intoxication of happiness.

"This atmosphere was bound to affect my opinions and my conduct. The
errors that have poisoned my life would have lain lightly on many a
conscience, but we in the South have a religious faith that leads us to
believe in a future life, and in the truths set forth by the Catholic
Church. These beliefs give depth and gravity to every feeling, and to
remorse a terrible and lasting power.

"The army were masters of society at the time when I was studying
medicine. In order to shine in women's eyes, one had to be a colonel at
the very least. A poor student counted for absolutely nothing. Goaded by
the strength of my desires, and finding no outlet for them; hampered at
every step and in every wish by the want of money; looking on study and
fame as too slow a means of arriving at the pleasures that tempted
me; drawn one way by my inward scruples, and another by evil examples;
meeting with every facility for low dissipation, and finding nothing
but hindrances barring the way to good society, I passed my days
in wretchedness, overwhelmed by a surging tumult of desires, and by
indolence of the most deadly kind, utterly cast down at times, only to
be as suddenly elated.

"The catastrophe which at length put an end to this crisis was
commonplace enough. The thought of troubling the peace of a household
has always been repugnant to me; and not only so, I could not dissemble
my feelings, the instinct of sincerity was too strong in me; I should
have found it a physical impossibility to lead a life of glaring
falsity. There is for me but little attraction in pleasures that must be
snatched. I wish for full consciousness of my happiness. I led a life
of solitude, for which there seemed to be no remedy; for I shrank
from openly vicious courses, and the many efforts that I made to enter
society were all in vain. There I might have met with some woman who
would have undertaken the task of teaching me the perils of every path,
who would have formed my manners,