started. Beat the shoe with a hammer for ten
minutes until its tongue stops wagging and it gets black and blue in the
face. Then put it in the frying pan and stir gently. When it begins to
sizzle add the yolk of an egg and season with parsley. Imitation parsley
can be made from green wall paper with the scissors. If there is no
green wall paper in the house speak to the landlord about it. Let it
simper. In two hours try it with a fork. If it breaks the fork it is not
done. Let it simper. Should you wish to smother it with onions, now is
your chance, because after cooking so long it is almost helpless. Serve
hot with a hatchet on the side. If there are more than four people in
the family use both shoes.

IRISH STEW.--Remove the jacket and waistcoat from a potato and put it in
a saucepan. Add three quarts of boiling water. Get a map of Ireland and
hang it on the wall directly in front of the saucepan. This will furnish
the local color for the stew. Let it boil two hours. When the potato
begins to moult it is a sign the stew is getting done. Walk easy so as
not to frighten it. Add a pinch of rhubarb and serve hot with lettuce
dressing. This is one of the best stews without meat that the Food Trust
has ever invented for the poor man.

MOCK PORK PIE.--Peel the bark carefully away from the hindquarters of a
spruce tree and remove the tenderloin. One of last year's Christmas
trees is excellent for the purpose. Chop it up fine and place in a
saucepan. Add boiling water and let it simper two hours. Season with a
pinch of salt, and if this is not satisfactory, you might also pinch a
little pepper. Put the bark in the coffee grinder and turn the handle
rapidly to the left. Add boiling water and serve with milk and sugar.
This will be a splendid joke on the Coffee Trust. The mock pork pie is
now done. Serve with lionaise dressing and tomato catsup. After dinner
eat four pepsin tablets and send for the doctor.

IMITATION APPLE FRITTERS.--First catch your fritter. Be sure that it is
a young fritter. The way to tell the age of a fritter is to count its
teeth. Remove the shell and add a pitcher of apple sauce. Place this in
a saucepan and tease it with a pinch of baking soda. Let it simper two
hours. Serve hot and smile rapidly while eating. Laughter always aids
digestion.

OX-TAIL CHOW CHOW.--To make ox-tail chow chow without an ox is one of
the best jokes in the world on the appetite. Remove the pin-feathers
from a young onion a