tarian diet so quickly as an
over-ripe Hamburger. They should always be picked at the full of the
moon. To tell the age of a Hamburger look at its teeth. One row of teeth
for every year, and the limit is seven rows. Now remove the wishbone and
slice carefully. Add Wooster sauce and let it sizzle. Add a pinch of
potato salad and stir gently. Serve hot and eat fast with the eyes
closed tight.

APPLE DUMPLINGS.--Take a large sheet of blotting paper and remove the
ink. Ink is a non-conductor and discolors the palate. Borrow an apple
from the grocer and tie it up in the blotting paper. The blotting paper
will absorb the flavor from the apple in about three minutes. Now take
the apple back to the grocer and say, "Much obliged, thank you!" Cut the
blotting paper into thin slices and add water. Stir gently until it
boils over then unhook it. Serve hot and if your husband kicks say to
him bitterly: "You should have married an heiress with a Papa in the
Food Trust then you could afford to have real apples!"

IMITATION ROAST TURKEY.--Find a copy of a Thanksgiving Day newspaper and
select therefrom the fattest turkey on page 3. Now with a few kind words
coax the turkey away from the newspaper in the direction of the kitchen.
Care should be taken that the turkey does not escape in the butler's
pantry or fly up the dumb waiter, because the turkey is a very nervous
animal. Once you get the turkey in the kitchen lock the door and prepare
the stuffing. The best stuffing for a turkey is chestnuts, which you can
obtain by tearing a few pages from "The Life and Anecdotes of an After
Dinner Speaker." Now remove the wishbone carelessly and make a wish.
Then coax the turkey over to the gas stove and push it in. Let it sizzle
for four hours and serve hot by a Russian waiter and with Japanese
napkins.

MOCK CELERY.--Take an old whiskbroom and remove the handle. If the
handle is made of wood keep it, because it can be turned into breakfast
food the first time you see a sawmill. Now remove the wire from the
whiskbroom and sprinkle with baking soda. Serve cold with a pinch of
salt on the northwestern end.

MOCK CLAMS.--Take a rubber shoe and slice carefully. Add a dash of
tobasco and stir gently. When the shoe occupies the same shape as a
dozen rubber-neck clams serve with vanilla wafers and horseradish.

THE FINISH.

End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Silly Syclopedia, by Noah Lott

*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUT