happily. Observe that I told no one. I didn't boast of it. Though I'm full
of low desires, and love what's low, I'm not dishonorable. You're
blushing; your eyes flashed. Enough of this filth with you. And all this
was nothing much--wayside blossoms _a la_ Paul de Kock--though the cruel
insect had already grown strong in my soul. I've a perfect album of
reminiscences, brother. God bless them, the darlings. I tried to break it
off without quarreling. And I never gave them away. I never bragged of one
of them. But that's enough. You can't suppose I brought you here simply to
talk of such nonsense. No, I'm going to tell you something more curious;
and don't be surprised that I'm glad to tell you, instead of being
ashamed."

"You say that because I blushed," Alyosha said suddenly. "I wasn't
blushing at what you were saying or at what you've done. I blushed because
I am the same as you are."

"You? Come, that's going a little too far!"

"No, it's not too far," said Alyosha warmly (obviously the idea was not a
new one). "The ladder's the same. I'm at the bottom step, and you're
above, somewhere about the thirteenth. That's how I see it. But it's all
the same. Absolutely the same in kind. Any one on the bottom step is bound
to go up to the top one."

"Then one ought not to step on at all."

"Any one who can help it had better not."

"But can you?"

"I think not."

"Hush, Alyosha, hush, darling! I could kiss your hand, you touch me so.
That rogue Grushenka has an eye for men. She told me once that she'd
devour you one day. There, there, I won't! From this field of corruption
fouled by flies, let's pass to my tragedy, also befouled by flies, that is
by every sort of vileness. Although the old man told lies about my
seducing innocence, there really was something of the sort in my tragedy,
though it was only once, and then it did not come off. The old man who has
reproached me with what never happened does not even know of this fact; I
never told any one about it. You're the first, except Ivan, of course--Ivan
knows everything. He knew about it long before you. But Ivan's a tomb."

"Ivan's a tomb?"

"Yes."

Alyosha listened with great attention.

"I was lieutenant in a line regiment, but still I was under supervision,
like a kind of convict. Yet I was awfully well received in the little
town. I spent money right and left. I was thought to be rich; I thought so
myself. But I must have pleased them in other ways as wel