p is at present my wife, and the only wife I intend to
have until I am laid on the shelf."

Well, thought I, if he was not at the theatre, it could not have been
him that I insulted.

"Pray, Mr Simple, how are your father and mother?" said the captain.

"Very well, I thank you, sir, and desire me to present their
compliments."

"I am obliged to them. Now I have a little advice to offer you. In the
first place, obey your superior officers without hesitation; it is for
me, not you, to decide whether an order is unjust or not. In the next
place, never swear or drink spirits. The first is immoral and
ungentleman-like, the second is a vile habit which will grow upon you.
I never touch spirit myself, and I expect that my young gentlemen will
refrain from it also. Now you may go, and as soon as your uniforms
arrive, you will repair on board. Good morning."

I quitted the room with a low bow, glad to have surmounted so easily
what appeared to be a chaos of difficulty; but my mind was confused with
the testimony of the midshipman, so much at variance with the language
and behaviour of the captain. When I arrived at the Blue Posts, I found
all the midshipmen in the coffee-room, and I repeated to them all that
had passed. When I had finished, they burst out laughing, and said that
they had only been joking with me. "Well," said I to the one who had
called me up in the morning, "you may call it joking, but I call it
lying."

"Pray, Mr Bottlegreen, do you refer to me?"

"Yes, I do," replied I.

"Then, sir, as a gentleman I demand satisfaction. Slugs in a saw-pit.
Death before dishonour, damn me!"

"Could not the affair be arranged otherwise?" interrupted another.
"Will not Mr Bottlegreen retract?"

"My name is Simple, sir, and not Bottlegreen," replied I; "and as he did
tell a falsehood, I will not retract?"

"Then the affair must go on," said the midshipman. "Robinson, will you
oblige me by acting as my second?"

"It's an unpleasant business," replied the other, "you are so good a
shot; but as you request it, I shall not refuse. Mr Simple is not, I
believe, provided with a friend."

"Yes, he is," replied another of the midshipmen. "He is a spunky
fellow, and I'll be his second."

It was then arranged that we should meet the next morning with pistols.
I considered that, as an officer and a gentleman, I could not well
refuse, but I was very unhappy. I went up into my room and wrote a long
letter to my