umpus will
shortly give a recital at the Albert Hall. The drum, which is made of
teak and rhinoceros hide, is three hundred feet in circumference, but
only twenty feet high, and the drumsticks are of proportionate length.
As Dr. Blamphin, the eminent aurist, remarks, "The merit of the notes of
this momentous instrument is their profound sincerity. They cannot be
disregarded even by the most absent-minded auditor."

* * * * *

HINTS FOR AIR RAIDS.

The War Office have issued a notice reminding the public that they are
greatly inconvenienced by persons who telephone for information during
the progress of an air raid. To avoid a repetition of the trouble the
attention of the public is called to the following information:--

(1) Elderly ladies may deposit their lap dogs in the bomb-proof shelter
erected for that purpose in the basement of the War Office buildings at
Whitehall, a charge of one penny per dog per raid being made.

(2) Persons removed from the interior of motor omnibuses by the
explosion of bombs dropped by airships cannot claim from the Government
a refund of the fares paid by them.

(3) Persons having reason to believe that an air raid is in progress are
requested to put on their hats before leaving the house, as it has been
ascertained that a hard hat is a substantial protection against falling
Zeppelins.

(4) For the benefit of editors and others who are dissatisfied with the
precautions taken to cope with the Zeppelin peril, Messrs. Selfgrove &
Co. announce that their new Strafing Room will shortly be open to the
public.

(5) As the force of a bomb explosion is largely in an upward direction,
those in the immediate vicinity of a dropping bomb are advised to assume
a recumbent position, in which they will enjoy the added advantage of
being indistinguishable from the pavement.

(6) As theatre audiences are notoriously subject to panic,
actor-managers are earnestly requested to prepare beforehand some
suitable jest with which, in the event of a bomb entering the theatre,
the attention of the audience may be distracted.

* * * * *

A BLOW FOR THE CRESCENT.

[Illustration: Sultan of Turkey. "ALL-HIGHEST, ERZERUM HAS FALLEN!"

Kaiser. "GOTT--I SHOULD SAY, _ALLAH_--STRAFE RUSSLAND!"]

* * * * *

UNDERGROUND GAME.

It was four o'clock on a wet wintry morning.

Captain Blank executed an inadvertent dou