k that to his church,
Will he take it higher?

Now TILTON says that FULTON lies,
FULTON says 'tis TILTON;
I wish this epic was told by
HOMER or by MILTON.
_I_ cannot tell which yarn is true,
Nor what each is built on,
But surely there's been lying by
FULTON or else TILTON.

* * * * *

A FINE OLD LADY.

In this day of monetary papyrus, it is pleasing to read of an ancient
matron in Lafayette, Ind., who, at the age of eighty-nine, has gone to
her reward, leaving no property save a $20 gold piece. For several
years, she has been reserving this honest coin to pay her funeral
expenses; and one cannot help surmising that she must have been
distantly related to the late Old Bullion BENTON. "No National Bank
nonsense at my tomb!" said she; "no grimed and greasy currency for my
undertaker! I will have a specie-paying funeral or none at all." As we
have the precedent of a great many Old Ladies in the Cabinet, we are
rather sorry that it is too late to invite this clear-headed dame to
take a chair in Washington.

* * * * *

[Illustration: A MODEST REQUEST.

_Disbursing Agent of Political Organization [to Delegation on biz.]_:
"AH! GENTLEMEN, YOU REPRESENT THE----"

_Spokesman_. "YES; WE WANT $200. I'M THE KNOCK-'EM-DOWN CLUB, AND HE'S
THE TARGET COMPANY."]

* * * * *

THE WRONG "DUMMIE."

Gatling (our countryman, you know) has invented a Battery Gun. They have
been trying this gun over at Shoeburyness (how is that, for a name?) in
England, to see whether they had not better order a few, in time for the
next war. It seems that they conducted their experiments by firing at
"dummies, representing men." (Oh, if they had _only_ had some of our
American Dummies there, who Represent Men so inadequately.) There were
136 of these _simulacra_, "99 of whom," says the report "would have been
killed." That is, if it had been possible to kill them. In fact, they
would have been killed four or five times over. "Kilt intirely."

We shall always feel that a great opportunity was here lost of ridding
the country of certain nuisances, who, if anything at all, are _worse_
than dummies, and deserve not four only, but four hundred balls in them,
"forty-two one-hundredths of an inch in diameter," or even larger. There
are so many, it would be useless to attempt to specify them: and
besides, everyb