PPLE-PIE BEDS.

(_Leaves from a holiday diary._)

I.

An outrage has occurred in the hotel. Late on Monday night ten innocent
visitors discovered themselves the possessors of apple-pie beds. The
beds were not of the offensive hair-brush variety, but they were very
cleverly constructed, the under-sheet being pulled up in the good old
way and turned over at the top as if it were the top-sheet.

I had one myself. The lights go out at eleven and I got into bed in the
dark. When one is very old and has not been to school for a long time or
had an apple-pie bed for longer still, there is something very uncanny
in the sensation, especially if it is dark. I did not like it at all. My
young brother-in-law, Denys, laughed immoderately in the other bed at my
flounderings and imprecations. He did not have one. I suspect him....

II.

Naturally the hotel is very much excited. It is the most thrilling event
since the mixed foursomes. Nothing else has been discussed since
breakfast. Ten people had beds and about ten people are suspected. The
really extraordinary thing is that numbers of people seem to suspect
_me_! That is the worst of being a professional humourist; everything is
put down to you. When I was accompanying Mrs. F. to-day she suddenly
stopped fiddling and said hotly that someone had been tampering with her
violin. I know she suspected me. Fortunately, however, I have a very
good answer to this apple-pie bed charge. Eric says that his bed must
have been done after dinner, and I was to be seen at the dance in the
lounge all the evening. I have an alibi.

Besides I had a bed myself; surely they don't believe that even a
professional humourist could be so bursting with humour as to make
himself an apple-pie bed and not make one for his brother-in-law in the
same room! It would be too much like overtime.

But they say that only shows my cleverness....

III.

Then there is the question of the Barkers. Most of the victims were
young people, who could not possibly mind. But the Barkers had two, and
the Barkers are a respected middle-aged couple, and nobody could
possibly make them apple-pie beds who did not know them very well. That
shows you it can't have been me--I--me--that shows you I couldn't have
done it. I have only spoken to them once.

They say Mr. Barker was rather annoyed. He has rheumatism and went to
bed early. Mrs. Barker discovered about her bed before she got in, but
she didn't let on. She put out t