olting record. He next proceeded to deal
exhaustively with the construction and working of his gramophone,
his bathroom geyser, his patent knife-machine and his vacuum
carpet-cleaner; also with his methods of drying wet boots, marking his
under-linen, circumventing the water-rate collector and inducing
fertility in reluctant pullets. This brought us to the middle of
November. Finally, during the last four weeks he has wandered into
the ramifications of his wife's early-Victorian family tree, of
which we are still in the lower branches.

"I cannot retaliate in kind. I have no children, poultry, pedigree
wives, nor any of the other articles, except boots and shirts, in
which the soul of William Smith rejoices. There is but one remedy open
to me, and of this, unless you detail me for duty with someone else, I
propose to avail myself at the first convenient opportunity. I shall
kill William Smith."

I stopped and saluted again.

And then a wonderful thing happened. I discovered that beneath our
sergeant's military leggings there still beat the rudiments of a human
heart. Yes, as I looked at him I saw his softened eyes suffused with
sympathetic tears.

"My poor fellow!" he said in a broken voice.

It was too much. I sank to the pavement, saluting as I fell, and knew
no more. When I recovered consciousness in hospital I found in the
pocket of my coat an envelope containing the following: "Promoted to
the rank of corporal and invalided for three weeks, after which you
will take duty with your chauffeur."

William Smith and I have severed diplomatic relations. It is better
so.

* * * * *

REJECTED OFFERINGS.

MY DEAR _Mr. Punch_,--In these first few days after Christmas many of
your readers are no doubt faced, as we have been, with a problem which
is quite new to them. I hope they took the precaution--as we did--to
write and explain to all likely givers (1) that this was no year for
the exchange of Christmas gifts among grown-up people who have no need
for them; (2) that it was the opinion of all right-thinking persons
that no such gifts should be sent, and (3) that consequently they were
sending none and hoped to receive none.

That is all right as far as it goes, but the problem remains of what
is to be done with those people who can't be stopped? We have had
several painful instances of this sort. The stuff has arrived, the
usual sort of non-war stuff, some of which must have cost