ave removed. Of course I do
have an unfortunate skin condition, but such a thing's an act of God, as
the lawyers say, and people must take me as I am.

No, it wasnt my appearance ... or was it? That monstrously outsized
pump! Who wanted to listen to a salestalk from a man apparently prepared
for an immediate gasattack? There is little use in pressing your
trousers between two boards under the mattress if you discount such
neatness with the accouterment of an invading Martian. I uncoiled the
hose from my shoulder and eased the incubus from my back. Leaving them
visible from the corner of my eye, I crossed the most miserable lawn yet
encountered.

It was composed of what I since learned is Bermuda, a plant most
Southern Californians call--with many profane prefixes--devilgrass. It
was yellow, the dirty, grayish yellow of moldy straw; and bald, scuffed
spots immodestly exposed the cracked, parched earth beneath. Over the
walk, interwoven stolons had been felted down into a ragged mat,
repellent alike to foot and eye. Perversely, onto what had once been
flowerbeds, the runners crept erect, bristling spines showing faintly
green on top--the only live color in the miserable expanse. Where the
grass had gone to seed there were patches of muddy purple, patches which
enhanced rather than relieved the diseased color of the whole and
emphasized the dying air of the yard. It was a neglected, unvalued
thing; an odious appendage, a mistake never rectified.

"Madam," I began, "your lawn is deplorable." There was no use giving her
the line about I-can-see-you-are-a-lady-who-cares-for-lovely-things.
Anyway, now the pump was off my back I felt reckless. I threw the whole
book of salesmanship away. "It's the most neglected lawn in the
neighborhood. It is, madam, I'm sorry to say, no less than a disgrace."

She was a woman beyond the age of childbearing, her dress revealing the
outlines of her corset, and she looked at me coldly through rimless
glassing biting the bridge of her inadequate nose. "So what?" she asked.

"Madam," I said, "for ten dollars I can make this the finest lawn in the
block, the pride of your family and the envy of your neighbors."

"I can do better things with ten dollars than spend it on a bunch of
dead grass."

Gratefully I knew I had her then and was glad I hadnt weakly given in to
an impulse to carry out the crackpot's original instructions. When they
start to argue, my motto is, theyre sold. I took a good