me heavy weariness which
overwhelmed him at certain hours with crushing monotony and regularity.
He dragged on his life, terrified every night by the recollections of
the day, and the expectation of the morrow. He knew that henceforth, all
his days would resemble one another, and bring him equal suffering. And
he saw the weeks, months and years gloomily and implacably awaiting him,
coming one after the other to fall upon him and gradually smother him.

When there is no hope in the future, the present appears atrociously
bitter. Laurent no longer resisted, he became lumpish, abandoning
himself to the nothingness that was already gaining possession of his
being. Idleness was killing him. In the morning he went out, without
knowing where to go, disgusted at the thought of doing what he had done
on the previous day, and compelled, in spite of himself, to do it again.
He went to his studio by habit, by mania.

This room, with its grey walls, whence he could see naught but a bare
square of sky, filled him with mournful sadness. He grovelled on the
divan heavy in thought and with pendent arms. He dared not touch a
brush. He had made fresh attempts at painting, but only to find on each
occasion, the head of Camille appear jeering on the canvas. So as not to
go out of his mind, he ended by throwing his colour-box into a corner,
and imposing the most absolute idleness on himself. This obligatory
laziness weighed upon him terribly.

In the afternoon, he questioned himself in distress to find out what
he should do. For half an hour, he remained on the pavement in the Rue
Mazarine, thinking and hesitating as to how he could divert himself. He
rejected the idea of returning to the studio, and invariably decided
on going down the Rue Guenegaud, to walk along the quays. And, until
evening, he went along, dazed and seized with sudden shudders whenever
he looked at the Seine. Whether in his studio or in the streets, his
dejection was the same. The following day he began again. He passed
the morning on his divan, and dragged himself along the quays in the
afternoon. This lasted for months, and might last for years.

Occasionally Laurent reflected that he had killed Camille so as to
do nothing ever afterwards, and now that he did nothing, he was quite
astonished to suffer so much. He would have liked to force himself to be
happy. He proved to his own satisfaction, that he did wrong to suffer,
that he had just attained supreme felicity,