of war by the General
of the Shatterham Wanderers army. In the heat of the combat with the
Notts Strollers brigade he ignored the whistled appeal for an armistice
to pick up the wounded. Proceeding steadily he fired a deadly shot into
the enemy's fortifications. A neutral officer, under the protection of
the Red Cross, courageously protested against this infamy. In an excess
of military fury the General smote the neutral officer to the earth. It
is believed that, unless the offending General be instantly submitted to
a regular court-martial, the Shatterham Wanderers' army will be solemnly
declared outside the pale of humanity. (NOTE.--The Censor allows the
foregoing account to be printed but disclaims all responsibility for its
correctness.)

BRILLIANT RECRUITING CAMPAIGN.

Great weakness has been observed amongst the advanced sharpshooters of
the Bullington Arsenal corps. "We must have men at any cost," said their
determined Secretary. A cheering crowd attended him to the station as he
set out for ---- (excision by the Censor), accompanied by two
commissionaires bearing armoured bags of bullion. A rumour reaches us
that at the cost of four thousand pounds the Secretary has secured two
famous shots. Great anxiety is felt in Bullington. Crowds gather round
the headquarters of the corps and ask, "Will they come in time?"

LATER.--A wire from Scotland confirms the news. The Union Jack is flying
over the headquarters. It is felt that the great recruiting campaign has
saved Britain.

* * * * *

Illustration: "HELLO, MARIA! STOPPED SEWING FOR TO-DAY?"

"YES, SAMPSON. I THINK THERE IS MORE NEED OF MEN THAN OF PYJAMAS. I HAVE
DECIDED TO PART WITH YOU, AND SHALL GIVE YOU TO LORD KITCHENER--MYSELF!
GET YOUR HAT ON."

* * * * *

THE TIRPITZ TOUCH.

(_A new nautical ballad._)

They faced the winds, the waves, the fogs,
For they were a gallant band,
And they ventured forth, the bold sea dogs,
From the bight of Heligoland.

Six ships of war they steamed along,
Audacious and yet discreet,
When lo! on the skyline, fifteen strong,
They sighted another fleet.

Oh! theirs was indeed a perilous choice,
'Twas a case of fight or flee,
When the captain cried in a resolute voice,
"Let us fight, my lads," cried he.

"Long have we panted to come to grips,
And here we shall gain our wish;
Moreover, I fancy that yonder s