usand times worse than the hard life of foundlings, namely, being
spoiled by their mother, being turned into monsters by her family, and
finally being taught to hate and betray their father by his plotting
enemies.[142] This is obviously a mixture in his mind of the motives
which led to the abandonment of the children and justified the act to
himself at the time, with the circumstances that afterwards reconciled
him to what he had done; for now he neither had any enemies plotting
against him, nor did he suppose that he had. As for his wife's family,
he showed himself quite capable, when the time came, of dealing
resolutely and shortly with their importunities in his own case, and he
might therefore well have trusted his power to deal with them in the
case of his children. He was more right when in 1770, in his important
letter to M. de St. Germain, he admitted that example, necessity, the
honour of her who was dear to him, all united to make him entrust his
children to the establishment provided for that purpose, and kept him
from fulfilling the first and holiest of natural duties. "In this, far
from excusing, I accuse myself; and when my reason tells me that I did
what I ought to have done in my situation, I believe that less than my
heart, which bitterly belies it."[143] This coincides with the first
undisguised account given in the Confessions, which has been already
quoted, and it has not that flawed ring of cant and fine words which
sounds through nearly all his other references to this great stain upon
his life, excepting one, and this is the only further document with
which we need concern ourselves. In that,[144] which was written while
the unholy work was actually being done, he states very distinctly that
the motives were those which are more or less closely connected with
most unholy works, motives of money--the great instrument and measure of
our personal convenience, the quantitative test of our self-control in
placing personal convenience behind duty to other people. "If my misery
and my misfortunes rob me of the power of fulfilling a duty so dear,
that is a calamity to pity me for, rather than a crime to reproach me
with. I owe them subsistence, and I procured a better or at least a
surer subsistence for them than I could myself have provided; this
condition is above all others." Next comes the consideration of their
mother, whose honour must be kept. "You know my situation; I gained my
bread from day to da