ppiness.

In the bitterness of my heart, I could complain with reason, that I am
left here dependent on a man, whose avidity to acquire a fortune has
rendered him callous to every sentiment connected with social or
affectionate emotions.--With a brutal insensibility, he cannot help
displaying the pleasure your determination to stay gives him, in spite of
the effect it is visible it has had on me.

Till I can earn money, I shall endeavour to borrow some, for I want to
avoid asking him continually for the sum necessary to maintain me.--Do
not mistake me, I have never been refused.--Yet I have gone half a dozen
times to the house to ask for it, and come away without speaking----you
must guess why--Besides, I wish to avoid hearing of the eternal projects
to which you have sacrificed my peace--not remembering--but I will be
silent for ever.----

* * * * *

LETTER XXXVIII.

April 7.

HERE I am at H----, on the wing towards you, and I write now, only to
tell you, that you may expect me in the course of three or four days;
for I shall not attempt to give vent to the different emotions which
agitate my heart--You may term a feeling, which appears to me to be a
degree of delicacy that naturally arises from sensibility, pride--Still I
cannot indulge the very affectionate tenderness which glows in my bosom,
without trembling, till I see, by your eyes, that it is mutual.

I sit, lost in thought, looking at the sea--and tears rush into my eyes,
when I find that I am cherishing any fond expectations.--I have indeed
been so unhappy this winter, I find it as difficult to acquire fresh
hopes, as to regain tranquillity.--Enough of this--lie still, foolish
heart!--But for the little girl, I could almost wish that it should cease
to beat, to be no more alive to the anguish of disappointment.

Sweet little creature! I deprived myself of my only pleasure, when I
weaned her, about ten days ago.--I am however glad I conquered my
repugnance.--It was necessary it should be done soon, and I did not wish
to embitter the renewal of your acquaintance with her, by putting it off
till we met.--It was a painful exertion to me, and I thought it best to
throw this inquietude with the rest, into the sack that I would fain
throw over my shoulder.--I wished to endure it alone, in short--Yet,
after sending her to sleep in the next room for three or four nights, you
cannot think with what joy I took her back again to sle