commonly called CRAB
from his sour Look, and the only Man who did not pretend to get off)
was nominated for Chaplain; and nothing was wanting but some one to
sit in the Elbow-Chair, by way of PRESIDENT, at the upper end of the
Table; and there the Business stuck, for there was no Contention for
Superiority _there_. This Affair made so great a Noise, that the King,
who was then at _Newmarket_, heard of it, and was pleased merrily and
graciously to say, HE COULD NOT BE THERE HIMSELF, BUT HE WOULD SEND
THEM A BRACE OF BUCKS.

I would desire you, Sir, to set this Affair in a true Light, that
Posterity may not be misled in so important a Point: For when _the
wise Man who shall write your true History_ shall acquaint the World,
That you had a DIPLOMA sent from the _Ugly Club at OXFORD_, and that
by vertue of it you were admitted into it, what a learned Work will
there be among _future Criticks_ about the Original of that Club,
which both Universities will contend so warmly for? And perhaps some
hardy _Cantabrigian_ Author may then boldly affirm, that the Word
_OXFORD_ was an interpolation of some _Oxonian_ instead of
_CAMBRIDGE_. This Affair will be best adjusted in your Life-time; but
I hope your Affection to your MOTHER will not make you partial to your
AUNT.

To tell you, Sir, my own Opinion: Tho' I cannot find any ancient
Records of any Acts of the SOCIETY OF THE UGLY FACES, considered in a
_publick_ Capacity; yet in a _private_ one they have certainly
Antiquity on their Side. I am perswaded they will hardly give Place to
the LOWNGERS, and the LOWNGERS are of the same Standing with the
University itself.

Tho' we well know, Sir, you want no Motives to do Justice, yet I am
commission'd to tell you, that you are invited to be admitted _ad
eundem_ at _CAMBRIDGE_; and I believe I may venture safely to deliver
this as the Wish of our Whole University.'

_To Mr_. SPECTATOR.

_The humble Petition of WHO and WHICH_.

Sheweth,

'THAT your Petitioners being in a forlorn and destitute Condition,
know not to whom we should apply ourselves for Relief, because there
is hardly any Man alive who hath not injured us. Nay, we speak it with
Sorrow, even You your self, whom we should suspect of such a Practice
the last of all Mankind, can hardly acquit your self of having given
us some Cause of Complaint. We are descended of ancient Families, and
ke