l in with my present frame of mind, although many
a time I was carried away by my sociable inclinations. But how
humiliating was it, when some one standing close to me heard a distant
flute, and I heard _nothing_, or a _shepherd singing_, and again I heard
nothing. Such incidents almost drove me to despair; at times I was on
the point of putting an end to my life--_art_ alone restrained my hand.
Oh! it seemed as if I could not quit this earth until I had produced all
I felt within me, and so I continued this wretched life--wretched,
indeed, and with so sensitive a body that a somewhat sudden change can
throw me from the best into the worst state. _Patience_, I am told, I
must choose as my guide. I have done so--lasting, I hope, will be my
resolution to bear up until it pleases the inexorable Parcae to break the
thread. Forced already, in my 28th year, to become a philosopher, it
is not easy--for an artist more difficult than for any one else. O
Divine Being, Thou who lookest down into my inmost soul, Thou
understandest; Thou knowest that love for mankind and a desire to do
good dwell therein! Oh, my fellow men, when one day you read this,
remember that you were unjust to me and let the unfortunate one console
himself if he can find one like himself, who, in spite of all obstacles
which nature has thrown in his way, has still done everything in his
power to be received into the ranks of worthy artists and men. You, my
brothers Carl and ----, as soon as I am dead, beg Professor Schmidt,
if he be still living, to describe my malady; and annex this written
account to that of my illness, so that at least the world, so far as is
possible, may become reconciled to me after my death. And now I declare
you both heirs to my small fortune (if such it may be called). Divide it
honorably and dwell in peace, and help each other. What you have done
against me has, as you know, long been forgiven. And you, brother Carl,
I especially thank you for the attachment you have shown toward me of
late. My prayer is that your life may be better, less troubled by cares,
than mine. Recommend to your children _virtue_; it alone can bring
happiness, not money. I speak from experience. It was virtue which bore
me up in time of trouble; to her, next to my art, I owe thanks for my
not having laid violent hands on myself. Farewell, and love one another.
My thanks to all friends, especially _Prince Lichnowski_ and _Professor
Schmidt_. I should much like o