speaks ill falsely,
and the other well, and both slander the truth. He is one that is still
weighing men in the scale of comparisons, and puts his affections, in
the one balance, and that sways. His friend always shall do best, and
you shall rarely hear good of his enemy. He considers first the man and
then the thing, and restrains all merit to what they deserve of him.
Commendations he esteems not the debt of worth, but the requital of
kindness; and if you ask his reason, shows his interest, and tells you
how much he is beholden to that man. He is one that ties his judgment to
the wheel of fortune, and they determine giddily both alike. He prefers
England before other countries because he was born there, and Oxford
before other universities, because he was brought up there, and the best
scholar there is one of his own college, and the best scholar there is
one of his friends. He is a great favourer of great persons, and his
argument is still that which should be antecedent; as,--he is in high
place, therefore virtuous;--he is preferred, therefore worthy. Never ask
his opinion, for you shall hear but his faction, and he is indifferent
in nothing but conscience. Men esteem him for this a zealous
affectionate, but they mistake him many times, for he does it but to be
esteemed so. Of all men he is worst to write an history, for he will
praise a Sejanus or Tiberius, and for some petty respect of his all
posterity shall be cozened.

A TRUMPETER

Is the elephant with the great trunk, for he eats nothing but what comes
through this way. His profession is not so worthy as to occasion
insolence, and yet no man so much puffed up. His face is as brazen as
his trumpet, and (which is worse) as a fiddler's, from whom he differeth
only in this, that his impudence is dearer. The sea of drink and much
wind make a storm perpetually in his cheeks, and his look is like his
noise, blustering and tempestuous. He was whilom the sound of war, but
now of peace; yet as terrible as ever, for wheresoever he comes they are
sure to pay for it. He is the common attendant of glittering folks,
whether in the court or stage, where he is always the prologue's
prologue.[63] He is somewhat in the nature of a hogshead, shrillest when
he is empty; when his belly is full he is quiet enough. No man proves
life more to be a blast, or himself a bubble, and he is like a
counterfeit bankrupt, thrives best when he is blown up.

A VULGAR-SPIRITED MAN