hall
we do?

COX (_excitedly_).

Cold key--Senna--no, I mean Salts.

BOX (_more excitedly_).

Pooh! Cold water .... with something in it.

COX.

Where's the sulphur water--throw it--

PENELOPE (_shrieking_).

Ah! (_rising_). How dare you! (_calls_). Husband!

BOX.

She said Husband. Dearest--

[_PENELOPE slaps his face._

COX.

She means _me_. I knew it. Angel--

[_PENELOPE repeats the slap on HIS face._

BOX.

You _did_ say "Husband?" Surely you can't be blind to the fascination of
Don Boxos de Regalias Salamanca--

COX.

When you said "Husband" you must have been dreaming of Count Cornelius
Cox, Landgrave.

PENELOPE.

Gentlemen. Mr. Cox ... Mr. Box--if the truth must be told--

BOX.

It will be painful for Cox--but tell it, brave woman, tell it.

COX.

It will be harrowing for Box--but out with it, courageous Penelope, out
with it.

PENELOPE.

Well--when--I said--"Husband"--I meant ...

COX.

Me--

PENELOPE.

No--

BOX.

Ha! ha! hooray! Me--

PENELOPE.

No ....

BOTH.

Then whom _did_ you mean?

PENELOPE.

When I said "Husband" I meant--

_MAJOR BOUNCER, suddenly entering._

BOUNCER.

Me. (_Sings in military style_) "Rataplan! Rataplan!"

[Illustration: MAJOR-GEN. BOUNCER.]

(_Immense applause._ "Why _that's_ Captain Byrton," _exclaims the
elderly lady, who, up to that moment, has been under the impression
that he was playing the waiter._)

BOTH.

Him! You! Bouncer!

BOUNCER.

Major Bouncer, of the Banbury Light Horse, at your service. We were
married this morning.

COX.

Stop! Virtuous but misguided Penelope. Bouncer is married already!

ALL.

Ah!

COX.

Behold! and tremble! Read it, Box (_giving newspaper_).

BOX (_reads_).

At the hotel So-and-so--um--Major and Mrs. Bouncer.

[_PENELOPE and BOUNCER laugh._

COX.

They laugh! Horrible depravity.

BOUNCER.

Nonsense! Mrs. Bouncer mentioned there--

BOX.

Is not the Mrs. Bouncer we see here.

BOUNCER.

True. The Mrs. Bouncer _here_ is Mrs. Penelope Bouncer, _My_ Mrs.
Bouncer; but the Mrs. Bouncer there is your old landlady, your Mrs.
Bouncer, _now_, the Dowager Lady Bouncer.

BOX AND COX.

Good gracious!

BOX.

Has she any money?

COX.

Is she well off?

BOUNCER.

No. I support her entirely.

BOX.

Oh! Th