so unmerited; and chid myself for the
suspicion. The dying confession of Hawkins recurred to my mind; and I
felt that there was no longer a possibility of doubting. And yet what
was the meaning of all Mr. Falkland's agonies and terrors? In fine, the
idea having once occurred to my mind, it was fixed there for ever. My
thoughts fluctuated from conjecture to conjecture, but this was the
centre about which they revolved. I determined to place myself as a
watch upon my patron.

The instant I had chosen this employment for myself, I found a strange
sort of pleasure in it. To do what is forbidden always has its charms,
because we have an indistinct apprehension of something arbitrary and
tyrannical in the prohibition. To be a spy upon Mr. Falkland! That there
was danger in the employment, served to give an alluring pungency to the
choice. I remembered the stern reprimand I had received, and his
terrible looks; and the recollection gave a kind of tingling sensation,
not altogether unallied to enjoyment. The further I advanced, the more
the sensation was irresistible. I seemed to myself perpetually upon the
brink of being countermined, and perpetually roused to guard my designs.
The more impenetrable Mr. Falkland was determined to be, the more
uncontrollable was my curiosity. Through the whole, my alarm and
apprehension of personal danger had a large mixture of frankness and
simplicity, conscious of meaning no ill, that made me continually ready
to say every thing that was upon my mind, and would not suffer me to
believe that, when things were brought to the test, any one could be
seriously angry with me.

These reflections led gradually to a new state of my mind. When I had
first removed into Mr. Falkland's family, the novelty of the scene
rendered me cautious and reserved. The distant and solemn manners of my
master seemed to have annihilated my constitutional gaiety. But the
novelty by degrees wore off, and my constraint in the same degree
diminished. The story I had now heard, and the curiosity it excited,
restored to me activity, eagerness, and courage. I had always had a
propensity to communicate my thoughts; my age was, of course, inclined
to talkativeness; and I ventured occasionally in a sort of hesitating
way, as if questioning whether such a conduct might be allowed, to
express my sentiments as they arose, in the presence of Mr. Falkland.

The first time I did so, he looked at me with an air of surprise, made
me