your
brother. I can speak of it to no one but you.

"I have prepared my own funeral pyre. If I had not cared for Kunda
Nandini, and she had died, would that have been any loss to me? God
cares for so many others--would He not have cared for her? Why did I
bring her home to my own destruction! When you saw that unfortunate
being she was a child, now she is seventeen or eighteen. I admit she
is beautiful; her beauty is fatal to me. If I have any happiness on
earth it is in my husband; if I care about anything in this world it
is for my husband; if there is any wealth belonging to me it is my
husband: this husband Kunda Nandini is snatching from me. If I have a
desire on earth it is for my husband's love: of that love Kunda
Nandini is cheating me. Do not think evil of your brother; I am not
reproaching him. He is virtuous, not even his enemies can find a
fault in him. I can see daily that he tries to subdue his heart.
Wherever Kunda Nandini may happen to be, from that spot, if possible,
he averts his eyes; unless there is absolute necessity he does not
speak her name. He is even harsh towards her; I have heard him scold
her when she has committed no fault. Then why am I writing all this
trash? Should a man ask this question it would be difficult to make
him understand, but you being a woman will comprehend. If Kunda
Nandini is in his eyes but as other women, why is he so careful not to
look towards her? why take such pains to avoid speaking her name? He
is conscious of guilt towards Kunda Nandini, therefore he scolds her
without cause; that anger is not with her, but with himself; that
scolding is not for her, but for himself. This I can understand. I who
have been so long devoted to him, who within and without see only him,
if I but see his shadow I can tell his thoughts. What can he hide from
me? Occasionally when his mind is absent his eyes wander hither and
thither; do I not know what they are seeking? If he meets it, again
becoming troubled he withdraws his eyes; can I not understand that?
For whose voice is he listening at meal-times when he pauses in the
act of carrying food to his mouth? and when Kunda's tones reach his
ear, and he fastens to eat his meal, can one not understand that? My
beloved always had a gracious countenance; why is he now always so
absent-minded? If one speaks to him he does not hear, but gives an
absent answer. If, becoming angry, I say, 'May I die?' paying no
attention he answers, 'Yes.' I