were
despatched in one short day.

"'Sophomore Exhibition furnished many cases. One man hit by a
Soph-bug, drove eye down into stomach, carrying with it brains and
all inside of the head. In order to draw them back to their proper
place, your Surgeon caused a leaf from Barnum's Autobiography to
be placed on patient's head, thinking that to contain more true,
genuine _suction_ than anything yet discovered.

* * * * *

"'Nebraska _cancers_ have appeared in our ranks, especially in
Missouri division. Surgeon recommends 385 eighty-pounders be
loaded to the muzzle, first with blank cartridges,--to wit, Frank
Pierce and Stephen A. Douglas, Free-Soil sermons, Fern Leaves, Hot
Corn, together with all the fancy literature of the day,--and
cause the same to be fired upon the disputed territory; this would
cause all the breakings out to be removed, and drive off
everybody.'

"The close of the report was as follows. It affected many even to
tears.

"'May you all remember your Surgeon, and may your thoracic duck
ever continue to sail peacefully down the common carrotted
arteries, under the keystone of the arch of the aorta, and not
rush madly into the abominable cavity and eclipse the semi-lunar
dandelions, nor, still worse, play the dickens with the
pneumogastric nerve and auxiliary artery, reverse the doododen,
upset the flamingo, irritate the _high-old-glossus_, and be for
ever lost in the receptaculum chyli. No, no, but, &c. Yours
feelingly,

'Dr. E.L.T.C.O., M.D.'

"Dr. O., we notice, has added a new branch, that of dentistry, to
his former accomplishments. By his new system, his customers are
not obliged to undergo the pain of the operations in person, but,
by merely sending their heads to him, can have everything done
with a great decrease of trouble. From a calf's head thus sent in,
the Doctor, after cutting the gums with a hay-cutter, and filing
between the teeth with a wood-saw, skilfully extracted with a pair
of blacksmith tongs a very great number of molars and incisors.

"Miss Lucy Amazonia Crura Longa Lignea, thirteen feet high, and
Mr. Rattleshanks Don Skyphax, a swain a foot taller, advanced from
the ranks, and were made one by the chaplain. The bride promised
to own the groom, but _protested_ formally against his custody of
her person, property, and progeny. The groom pledged himself to
mend the unmentionables of his spouse, or to resign his own when
required to rock the