monotony of
school, and the sense of hypocrisy and delusion in teaching--the
craving to confess, if only for the sake of the excitement, and the
absolute inability to certify myself whether there was any crime to
confess--I can't talk about it. And even chapel was not the same
refreshment, when one was always teaching a class in it, as coming in
fresh only for the service. Even that was failing me, or I thought it
was! No, I do not know how I could have borne it much longer.'

'No, Leonard, you could not; Tom and I both saw that in your looks, and
quite expected to hear of your being ill; but, you see, we are never
tried above what we can bear!'

'No,' said Leonard, very low, as if he had been much struck; and then
he added, after an interval, 'It is over now, and there's no need to
recollect it except in the way of thanks. The question is what it has
left me fit for. You know, Dr. May,' and his voice trembled, 'my first
and best design in the happy time of Coombe, the very crown of my life,
was this very thing--to be a missionary. But for myself, I might be in
training now. If I had only conquered my temper, and accepted that
kind offer of Mr. Cheviot's, all this would never have been, and I
should have had my youth, my strength, and spirit, my best, to devote.
I turned aside because of my obstinacy, against warning, and now how
can I offer?--one who has stood at the bar, lived among felons, thought
such thoughts--the released convict with a disgraced name! It would
just be an insult to the ministry! No, I know how prisoners feel. I
can deal with them. Let me go back to what I am trained for. My nerve
and spirit have been crushed out; I am fit for nothing else. The worst
thing that has remained with me is this nervousness--cowardice is its
right name--starting at the sound of a door, or at a fresh face--a
pretty notion that I should land among savages!'

Dr. May had begun an answer about the remains of the terrible ordeal
that might in itself have been part of Leonard's training, when they
reached the house door.

These nerves, or whatever they were, did indeed seem disposed to have
no mercy on their owner; for no sooner had he sat down in the warm
drawing-room, than such severe pain attacked his face as surpassed even
his powers of concealment. Dr. May declared it was all retribution for
his unfriendliness in never seeking sympathy or advice, which might
have proved the evil to be neuralgia and save