in the
regimental canteen. The only stimulant allowed him is one glass (2
oz., Mark IV.) of port daily with the orderly officer when the latter
inspects the guardroom.

SUFFERER.--(1) No, White Star gas is never employed by army dentists.
(2) No, you need not take your respirator with you. You hire the
anaesthetist's at a small charge.

PINK RATS.--You assume that if you were appointed a mopper-up you
would _ex-officio_ be put in charge of the rum-ration. This is not the
case. The function of moppers-up is to collect souvenirs for the new
Great War Museum, to be housed in one of the four remaining London
hotels.

OBSERVER.--German minnenwerfer are not dangerous if their flight is
carefully watched, as they swerve to the left, and their landing-place
can thus be fairly accurately judged. Two varieties, however--the
windupwerfer and the hoppitwerfer--swerve to the right. The
googliwerfer swerves both ways.

SOCIABLE.--The correct method of dealing with snipers in a house is to
ring the front-door bell with the thumb and forefinger of the right
hand, at the same time smartly inserting a charge of cordite into the
letter-box with the left. Indents for postmen's uniforms for this
purpose should be rendered to D.A.D.O.S. in triplicate.

STATISTICIAN.--The world's record is held by the adjutant of the
pioneer battalion of the 371st Silesian Foot Regiment. There is
unimpeachable evidence to prove that he was heard drinking gravy soup
from a distance of 477 metres. The night was calm.

* * * * *

IF THE PAPER SHORTAGE INCREASES.

(_SOME FUTURE PRESS ITEMS._)

FICTION FAMINE IN THE PROVINCES.

From many districts come reports of great difficulty in obtaining
novels. Yesterday in a well-known Midland town the unusual sight
was observed of long queues outside the chief booksellers'. Several
libraries displayed notices bearing the words, "No GARVICE to-day";
and quite early in the afternoon best quality BENSONS were practically
unobtainable, even by regular customers.

FIRST CONDITIONAL SALE PROSECUTION.

Much interest has been roused in East Anglia over the fine of one
hundred pounds inflicted by the Bench upon a local bookseller, found
guilty of the Conditional Sale of Fiction. The chief witness, a
retired stockbroker, proved that defendant refused to supply his
order for a shilling's worth of O. HENRY unless he also purchased
a remainder copy of _Wanderings Round Widnes_ (published