DOUR.

"Mr. Wells has no master in controversy with ordinary mortals,
but I would seriously warn him that arguing with the 'Morning
Post' leads after a certain point to softening of the
brain."--"_Diarist" in "The Westminster Gazette_."

We have always taken a painful interest in _The Westminster's_
quarrels with _The Morning Post_.

* * * * *

"In 1914-15 there was for the first time a surplus of cereals
of about 27,475 tons produced in Egypt."--_Times_.

For the first time? Shade of JOSEPH!

* * * * *

"A Young Lady is desirous of CHANGE. Has wholesale and retail
military experience. Also knowledge of practical."--_Daily
Telegraph_.

Now, then, HAIG.

* * * * *

[Illustration: DOING THEIR BIT.]

* * * * *

BEASTS ROYAL.

I.

QUEEN HATSHEPSU'S APE.

B.C. 1491.

Now from the land of Punt the galleys come,
HATSHEPSU'S, sent by Amen-Ra and her
To bring from God's own land the gold and myrrh,
The ivory, the incense and the gum;
The greyhound, anxious-eyed, with ear of silk,
The little ape, with whiskers white as milk,
And the enamelled peacock come with them.

The little ape sits on HATSHEPSU'S chair,
And with a solemn and ironic eye
He sees TAHUTMES strap the balsamed hair
Unto his royal chin and wonders why;
He sees the stewards and chamberlains bow down,
Plays with the asp upon HATSHEPSU'S crown,
And thinks, "A goodly land, this land of Khem!"

The little ape sits on HATSHEPSU'S knee
While the great lotus-fans move to and fro;
Outside along the Nile the galleys go
And the Phoenician rowers seek the sea;
Outside the masons carve TAHUTMES' chin,
Tipped with the beard of Ra, and lo, within--
The ape, derisive and ineffable.

The little ape from Punt sits there beside
TAHUTMES and HATSHEPSU on their throne,
Dissembling courteously his inward pride
When the great men of Egypt, one by one,
Their oiled and shaven heads before him bend,
And thinking, "I was born unto this end;
I am the King they honour. It is well."

* * * * *

THE CLINCHOPHONE.

["WANTED.--Loud gramophone (second-hand) for reprisals."--_Advt.
in "The Times."_]

It is just to meet such pressing demands as this that the Gramophobia
Company hav