sion of a suffering which he was solemnly resolved
to undergo, might have told half the truth of the situation to a
beholder who had suddenly entered.

That grasp was an entirely new experience to Gwendolen: she had never
before had from any man a sign of tenderness which her own being had
needed, and she interpreted its powerful effect on her into a promise
of inexhaustible patience and constancy. The stream of renewed strength
made it possible for her to go on as she had begun--with that fitful,
wandering confession where the sameness of experience seems to nullify
the sense of time or of order in events. She began again in a
fragmentary way--

"All sorts of contrivances in my mind--but all so difficult. And I
fought against them--I was terrified at them--I saw his dead
face"--here her voice sank almost to a whisper close to Deronda's
ear--"ever so long ago I saw it and I wished him to be dead. And yet it
terrified me. I was like two creatures. I could not speak--I wanted to
kill--it was as strong as thirst--and then directly--I felt beforehand
I had done something dreadful, unalterable--that would make me like an
evil spirit. And it came--it came."

She was silent a moment or two, as if her memory had lost itself in a
web where each mesh drew all the rest.

"It had all been in my mind when I first spoke to you--when we were at
the Abbey. I had done something then. I could not tell you that. It was
the only thing I did toward carrying out my thoughts. They went about
over everything; but they all remained like dreadful dreams--all but
one. I did one act--and I never undid it--it is there still--as long
ago as when we were at Ryelands. There it was--something my fingers
longed for among the beautiful toys in the cabinet in my boudoir--small
and sharp like a long willow leaf in a silver sheath. I locked it in
the drawer of my dressing-case. I was continually haunted with it and
how I should use it. I fancied myself putting it under my pillow. But I
never did. I never looked at it again. I dared not unlock the drawer:
it had a key all to itself; and not long ago, when we were in the
yacht, I dropped the key into the deep water. It was my wish to drop it
and deliver myself. After that I began to think how I could open the
drawer without the key: and when I found we were to stay at Genoa, it
came into my mind that I could get it opened privately at the hotel.
But then, when we were going up the stairs, I met you; and I