f speech. She went on with her low-toned eagerness, "I want
to tell you what it was that came over me in that boat. I was full of
rage at being obliged to go--full of rage--and I could do nothing but
sit there like a galley slave. And then we got away--out of the
port--into the deep--and everything was still--and we never looked at
each other, only he spoke to order me--and the very light about me
seemed to hold me a prisoner and force me to sit as I did. It came over
me that when I was a child I used to fancy sailing away into a world
where people were not forced to live with any one they did not like--I
did not like my father-in-law to come home. And now, I thought, just
the opposite had come to me. I had stepped into a boat, and my life was
a sailing and sailing away--gliding on and no help--always into
solitude with _him_, away from deliverance. And because I felt more
helpless than ever, my thoughts went out over worse things--I longed
for worse things--I had cruel wishes--I fancied impossible ways of--I
did not want to die myself; I was afraid of our being drowned together.
If it had been any use I should have prayed--I should have prayed that
something might befall him. I should have prayed that he might sink out
of my sight and leave me alone. I knew no way of killing him there, but
I did, I did kill him in my thoughts."

She sank into silence for a minute, submerged by the weight of memory
which no words could represent.

"But yet, all the while I felt that I was getting more wicked. And what
had been with me so much, came to me just then--what you once
said--about dreading to increase my wrong-doing and my remorse--I
should hope for nothing then. It was all like a writing of fire within
me. Getting wicked was misery--being shut out forever from knowing what
you--what better lives were. That had always been coming back to me
then--but yet with a despair--a feeling that it was no use--evil wishes
were too strong. I remember then letting go the tiller and saying 'God
help me!' But then I was forced to take it again and go on; and the
evil longings, the evil prayers came again and blotted everything else
dim, till, in the midst of them--I don't know how it was--he was
turning the sail--there was a gust--he was struck--I know nothing--I
only know that I saw my wish outside me."

She began to speak more hurriedly, and in more of a whisper.

"I saw him sink, and my heart gave a leap as if it were going out of
me.