rchased an umbrella suited to my rank and
station, and as fine a haddock as I have ever tasted with the balance,
which was sevenpence, for I was feeling hungry.

"The haddock is an excellent fish, Mrs. Wilkins," I said, "and if, as you
observe, we listened to all that was said we'd be hungrier at forty, with
a balance to our credit at the bank, than ever we were at twenty, with
'no effects' beyond a sound digestion."

A Martyr to Health.

"There was a gent in Middle Temple Lane," said Mrs. Wilkins, "as I used
to do for. It's my belief as 'e killed 'imself worrying twenty-four
hours a day over what 'e called 'is 'ygiene. Leastways 'e's dead and
buried now, which must be a comfort to 'imself, feeling as at last 'e's
out of danger. All 'is time 'e spent taking care of 'imself--didn't seem
to 'ave a leisure moment in which to live. For 'alf an hour every
morning 'e'd lie on 'is back on the floor, which is a draughty place, I
always 'old, at the best of times, with nothing on but 'is pyjamas,
waving 'is arms and legs about, and twisting 'imself into shapes
unnatural to a Christian. Then 'e found out that everything 'e'd been
doing on 'is back was just all wrong, so 'e turned over and did tricks on
'is stomach--begging your pardon for using the word--that you'd 'ave
thought more fit and proper to a worm than to a man. Then all that was
discovered to be a mistake. There don't seem nothing certain in these
matters. That's the awkward part of it, so it seems to me. 'E got
'imself a machine, by means of which 'e'd 'ang 'imself up to the wall,
and behave for all the world like a beetle with a pin stuck through 'im,
poor thing. It used to give me the shudders to catch sight of 'im
through the 'alf-open door. For that was part of the game: you 'ad to
'ave a current of air through the room, the result of which was that for
six months out of the year 'e'd be coughing and blowing 'is nose from
morning to night. It was the new treatment, so 'e'd explain to me. You
got yourself accustomed to draughts so that they didn't 'urt you, and if
you died in the process that only proved that you never ought to 'ave
been born.

"Then there came in this new Japanese business, and 'e'd 'ire a little
smiling 'eathen to chuck 'im about 'is room for 'alf an hour every
morning after breakfast. It got on my nerves after a while 'earing 'im
being bumped on the floor every minute, or flung with 'is 'ead into the
fire-place. But 'e a