ampered by this plutocratic appendage. The humble haddock
was denied to me. Tied to this imposing umbrella, how could I haggle
with fishmongers for haddocks. At first sight of me--or, rather, of my
umbrella--they flew to icy cellars, brought up for my inspection soles at
eighteenpence a pound, recommended me prime parts of salmon, which my
landlady would have fried in a pan reeking with the mixed remains of pork
chops, rashers of bacon and cheese. It was closed to me, the humble
coffee shop, where for threepence I could have strengthened my soul with
half a pint of cocoa and four "doorsteps"--satisfactory slices of bread
smeared with a yellow grease that before the days of County Council
inspectors they called butter. You know of them, Mrs. Wilkins? At sight
of such nowadays I should turn up my jaded nose. But those were the days
of my youth, Mrs. Wilkins. The scent of a thousand hopes was in my
nostrils: so they smelt good to me. The fourpenny beefsteak pie,
satisfying to the verge of repletion; the succulent saveloy, were not for
the owner of the ivory-handled umbrella. On Mondays and Tuesdays,
perhaps, I could enjoy life at the rate of five hundred a year--clean
serviette a penny extra, and twopence to the waiter, whose income must
have been at least four times my own. But from Wednesday to Saturday I
had to wander in the wilderness of back streets and silent squares
dinnerless, where there were not even to be found locusts and wild honey.

"It was, as I have said, a rainy season, and an umbrella of some sort was
a necessity. Fortunately--or I might not be sitting here, Mrs. Wilkins,
talking to you now--my one respectable acquaintance was called away to
foreign lands, and that umbrella I promptly put 'up the spout.' You
understand me?"

Mrs. Wilkins admitted she did, but was of opinion that twenty-five per
cent., to say nothing of the halfpenny for the ticket every time, was a
wicked imposition.

"It did not trouble me, Mrs. Wilkins," I replied, "in this particular
instance. It was my determination never to see that umbrella again. The
young man behind the counter seemed suspicious, and asked where I got it
from. I told him that a friend had given it to me."

"'Did he know that he had given it to you?" demanded the young man.

"Upon which I gave him a piece of my mind concerning the character of
those who think evil of others, and he gave me five and six, and said he
should know me again; and I pu