its rise, till at the
last line he triumphantly waves the paper over his head, looks around
for applause, and sees----his mother lying on the floor in a dead faint.

* * * * *

Pen and Sword.

"War to the knife!" is the cry of the Paris _Siecle_. This is merely a
cry from a Pen-knife, of course; but then it is sure to be heard by the
Butcher-knife.

* * * * *

Nurse Wanted.

We understand that there will shortly be a "Birth" at WALLACK'S.

* * * * *

[Illustration: A BAD LOOK OUT.

_Paterfamilias (reading)._ "IT APPEARS FROM THIS PAPER THAT TURKEY IS
LIKELY TO BE ENTIRELY GOBBLED UP BY RUSSIA."

_Alitmentive Youth._ "THEN WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT THANKSGIVING
DAY?"]

* * * * *

ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A MAN.

A THRILLING TALE.

WITH EXPLANATORY NOTES.

CHAPTER I.

_Once._--In serious literature you cannot be too exact. You will notice
that I say once, not twice or thrice, and you will find that that is a
very important point at once. Thus, you might put your hand under a
trip-hammer once, but not twice. You might take a trip on a Mississippi
steamer, or an Erie train, once. You might go to the Legislature or
Congress and be honest once. You might get a seat in a horse-car once.
You might be civilly treated by a public official once. You might lend
an umbrella, or indulge in the luxury of a lawsuit, or persuade your
better half that you are only tired when you are really beery, once;
but, I assure you, that your chance of doing any of those things twice
is decidedly slim. If you do any of them once and don't find yourself in
Greenwood, the alms-house, or matrimonial hot water, retire on your
laurels and let out the job.

CHAPTER II.

_Upon a time._--This is not a fairy tale, though it opens in a very
suspicious manner. It is a sad recital of facts. Upon a time does not
mean that any one sat down on a watch, or made himself familiar with the
town clock. It is not very specific, I admit. It may refer to any time,
but, I think, the design was to call attention to Benedict's time. You
know how it is yourself. You remember how often you have stood on a
dock, and seen the steamboat ten feet out in the stream, or have struck
a depot just as the train was rolling around a curve in the distance,
simply because you were not upon a time. Then, as you walked on the dock
or pl