he reader is
particularly requested to bear in mind that SPIFFKINS'S paper was a
_daily,_ not a nightly one. MR. SPIFFKINS had never written a line
which, dying, he would wish to blot. In fact his "copy" was always
clean, and he used to say, since it was so easy to write a line over
again, where was the use in blotting it! The specific department that
Mr. SPIFFKINS attended to was "interviewing." Mr. SPIFFKINS chose this
department on account of having been born a gentleman, and of having
always moved in the very best society. Interviewing brought him into
contact with all sorts of distinguished people, with whom he immediately
made himself at home. On one occasion he made himself so completely at
home that the gentleman whom he was visiting considerately pointed out
the mistake, and then SPIFFKINS suddenly remembered the distinction. Mr.
SPIFFKINS was a man of great delicacy of feeling and keen sense of
honor. One day a man cut his throat from ear to ear because his
boarding-house-keeper would put ham into the hash. The brother of the
man called upon SPIFFKINS and requested him as a favor to keep the thing
out of his newspaper, as all the other journals had promised to do so.
SPIFFKINS gave the required promise, and the next day SPIFFKINS'S paper
was the only one that had mention of the suicide. But then SPIFFKINS had
no intention of hurting the suicide's family's feelings. Not by any
means. His only aim was to beat the other newspapers and to serve his
employers. SPIFFKINS wrote pure English, his style--like that of other
reporters--being noticeable for its elegance and perspicuity. Thus,
whenever SPIFFKINS had occasion to use the word "memories," he
invariably said "memories of the past," and by this means made it plain
that he meant no reference whatever to the memories of the future. The
force, originality, and beauty of his epithets were remarkable. In his
local reports suicides were always "determined" suicides, and their acts
were always "rash" acts. Among purists in the use of words the
employment of these adjectives has always been considered a delightful
and legitimate mode of discriminating between people who kill themselves
precipitately and those who use a considerable amount of caution, and
(so to speak) apply strychnine with one hand and the stomach-pump with
the other. SPIFFKINS used to report fires, murders, and police doings
generally in a quiet and genteel manner, and by the Superintendent of
Police h