as once in a
railway accident, and though he got nothing more than a slight jolt he
was considered a hero for a long time, while, a few days later, I sat
upon a pin and hurt myself quite badly, but was told by my nurse not to
be silly.

During that morning I had a most disagreeable experience. For the
first time in my life I was conscious that I had done something for
which there was not the least shadow of an excuse, and I found myself
trying to guess what my feelings would have been had I been a winner
instead of a loser at roulette. There is nothing very profitable in
trying to imagine what would have happened if things had turned out
differently, at the best it is a waste of time, but all the same it is
a game which I, and others I know, play very often. I came to the
conclusion that had I won I should have been rather pleased with
myself, it is so easy to excuse oneself for winning money, while losing
it seems to be foolishly immoral. I made no resolutions for the
future, because on the few occasions I have tried to fortify myself in
that way, something has occurred to upset me, and Mr. Sandyman, who was
my housemaster at Cliborough and very wise, told me once that the
weaker the man the more frequent his resolutions. He did not believe
so much in pledges and promises as in a boy's honour; if a boy had not
a sense of honour no promise on earth could be of any real use to him.

I wished that I had Mr. Sandyman to advise me, but if I had been able
to go to him I do not suppose I should have gone, for although I was
ashamed of myself, I did not think that I had committed any great
offence. I had just been a fool, and with that decision from which,
odd as it may seem, I derived great satisfaction, I passed on to the
next thing which was bothering me.

I think it was Solomon who said there was safety in a multitude of
counsellors, and I wonder what he would have said about a multitude of
friends, some of whom could not bear the sight of the others. Ward,
hated Murray, and Foster hated Ward, Collier said he hated Dennison,
and Dennison said Collier looked more like a pig than a human being.
Lambert confided to me that there was hardly a man at St. Cuthbert's
whom he would care to introduce to his sister, but as he said the same
thing to Ward, Dennison and Collier, leaving each of them with the
impression that he was the one man who was considered worthy of an
introduction, it was no use to take any notice of La