an you can judge the blood-sweating behemoth of Holy Writ
by the plans and specifications of the humble earwig.

"One man's meat is another man's poison; that's a true saying. And here's
another saying--one cannot eat his cake and have it, too. But that's an
error so far as you are concerned. The trouble with you is that when you
eat your cake you still have it--in layers of fat. If you want to get rid
of the layers you'll have to cut out the cake, or most of it, anyway. Must
I make you a diagram, or is this plain enough for your understanding?"

It was--abundantly. But I still had one more bright little idea waiting in
the second-line trenches. I called up the reserves.

"Ahem!" I said. "Well now, old man, how about trying some of these
electrical treatments or these chemicalized baths or these remedies I see
advertised? I was reading only the other day where one successful operator
promised on his word of honor to take off flesh for anybody, no matter who
it was, without interfering with that person's table habits and customs."

My friend can be very plain-spoken when the spirit moves him.

[Illustration: "YOU ARE NOW REGISTERING THE PRELIMINARY
WARNINGS--" _Page 87_]

"Say, listen to me," he snapped, "or better still, you'd better write down
what I'm about to say and stick it in your hat where you can find it and
consult it when your mind begins wandering again. Those special
mechanical devices to reduce fat people are contrived for the benefit of
men and lazy women who are too slothful to take exercise or else too
besotted in the matter of food indulgence to face the alternative of
dieting. They may not do any harm--properly operated, they probably do
not--but, at best, I would regard them as being merely temporary
expedients specially devised as first aid to the incurably lazy.

"And as for pills and boluses and bottled goods guaranteed to reduce your
weight, and as for all these patented treatments and proprietary
preparations which you see boosted in the papers--bah! Either they are
harmless mixtures, in which event they'll probably do you no serious
injury, but will certainly do you no real good; or else they contain drugs
which, taken to excess, may cut you down in size, but have the added
drawback of very probably cutting short your life.

"No, sir-ree! For you it's dieting, now and from now on. You may be able
to relax your diet in time, but you can never altogether forego it. Give
us this day our dail