mpelled to sign them over-night--then (the Lord bless me!)
must all I dread follow, as of course, on Wednesday. If I can prevail
upon them by my prayers [perhaps I shall fall into fits; for the very
first appearance of my father, after having been so long banished his
presence, will greatly affect me--if, I say, I can prevail upon them by
my prayers] to lay aside their views; or to suspend the day, if but for
one week; but if not, but for two or three days; still Wednesday will
be a lighter day of trial. They will surely give me time to consider: to
argue with myself. This will not be promising. As I have made no
effort to get away, they have no reason to suspect me; so I may have an
opportunity, in the last resort, to withdraw. Mrs. Norton is to be with
me: she, although she should be chidden for it, will, in my extremity,
plead for me. My aunt Hervey may, in such an extremity, join with her.
Perhaps my mother may be brought over. I will kneel to each, one by one,
to make a friend. Some of them have been afraid to see me, lest they
should be moved in my favour: does not this give a reasonable hope that
I may move them? My brother's counsel, heretofore given, to turn me out
of doors to my evil destiny, may again be repeated, and may prevail;
then shall I be in no worse case than now, as to the displeasure of my
friends; and thus far better, that it will not be my fault that I seek
another protection: which even then ought to be my cousin Morden's,
rather than Mr. Lovelace's, or any other person's.

My heart, in short, misgives me less, when I resolve this way, than when
I think of the other: and in so strong and involuntary a bias, the heart
is, as I may say, conscience. And well cautions the wise man: 'Let the
counsel of thine own heart stand; for there is no man more faithful to
thee than it: for a man's mind is sometimes wont to tell him more than
seven watchmen, that sit above in a high tower.'*

* Ecclus. xxxvii. 13, 14.

Forgive these indigested self-reasonings. I will close here: and
instantly set about a letter of revocation to Mr. Lovelace; take it
as he will. It will only be another trial of temper to him. To me of
infinite importance. And has he not promised temper and acquiescence, on
the supposition of a change in my mind?

LETTER XLVI

MISS CLARISSA HARLOWE, TO MISS HOWE SUNDAY MORNING, APRIL 9.

Nobody it seems will go to church this day. No blessing to be expected
perhaps upon view