he afternoon was
going he began to be anxious to be on the way to the cemetery. He finally
whispered to one of my members: 'Does your minister always preach as long
as that at a funeral?'

"'Well,' said the brother, 'that is a good sermon.'

"'Yes,' said the undertaker, 'the sermon is all right, and I believe in
the resurrection, but I am afraid if he does not stop pretty soon I will
not get this man buried in time.'"--_Philadelphia Ledger._

A CORRECTION.

'Twas not for want of breath he died,
But rather that he misapplied
The ample breath he had, I wot.
Before he went to bed that night
He witlessly blew out the light.
The gas escaped; the man did not.

_New York World._

WHEN THE BIG STICK WOULDN'T DO.

The following anecdote of President Roosevelt's youth is being told in
England:

When Roosevelt was a student at Harvard he was required to recite a poem
in public declamation. He got as far as a line which read:

"When Greece her knees in suppliance bent,"

when he stuck there.

Again he repeated,

"When Greece her knees ...," but could get no farther.

The teacher waited patiently, finally remarking:

"Grease her knees again, Roosevelt, then perhaps she'll go."

_Woman's Home Companion._

DESERVED TO LIVE.

In a rural justice court in Georgia recently an old negro, whose testimony
had been questioned, said in his own defense:

"Jedge, I'm a good man. I been a-livin' roun' heah ten years. I ain't
never been lynched; en de only horse I ever stoled throwed me en broke my
two legs!"--_Chicago Daily News._

SENATORIAL COURTESY.

"I suppose you will bow to the will of the people," said the friend.

"Of course I will," answered Senator Sorghum; "I'll bow and take off my
hat all they want me to. As long as there's no chance of their having
their own way it's as little as I can do to be polite."--_Washington
Evening Star._

The Nation's Conscience Fund.

For Ninety-five Years Persons Who Have Succeeded in Defrauding the
Government Have Coined Remorse into Gold and Sent It to Uncle
Sam, Who Has Received $400,000 in This Manner.

_An original article written for_ THE SCRAP BOOK.

For ninety-five years contributions from penitent people throughout
America have been flowing into the government's Conscience Fund at
Washington. The first contribution of this nature was received in 1811,
during the administration of Madison. At the first of thi