They needed no "conversion" rash,
Like Darker Continents;
A sort of Sunday turned to cash
They were, my Three per Cents.

A distant river somewhere rolls,
The wicked River Plate;
Upon its _banks_ there flourish souls
Perverse and reprobate.
Ah, send your missionaries _there_!
If haply it repents,
I'll not surrender Eaton Square
For Surrey's wild or Kent's.

Not I alone; the best that breathe,
Archbishop, Duke, and Lord,
Your bust with chaplets rare will wreathe,
This boon if you'll accord.
How can we by example shame
The mob who mock at rents,
If we are left to do the same
Without our Three per Cents?

Reft of a carriage, life is poor:
A well-conducted set
Needs ready money to procure
Their butler and _Debrett_.
The country totters to its fall,
Disgraced to all intents,
Unless you instantly recall
Our solid Three per Cents.

* * * * *

THE FLOWERLESS FUNERAL.

(_BY A FLOWER MERCHANT._)

Funeral Reform? Oh! just a fad,--
Its advocates, in fact, as bad
As those who want Cremation.
A set of foolish, fussy fools
Whose misplaced ardour nothing cools--
A nuisance to the nation!

Economy, they're all agreed,
Should be with them a cult and creed,
Simplicity a passion.
They'd quickly wreck this trade of ours,
Since they would scorn the use of flowers,
If they could set the fashion!

Yes; parsons agitate, but these
Good gentlemen all take their fees--
We thank them much for giving
Such good advice upon this head,
But recollect that from the dead
We've got to get our living!

* * * * *

CHORUS OF THE OBJECTORS TO THE PROPOSED LORD'S TUNNEL
RAILWAY.--"WATKIN the matter be!"

* * * * *

MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.

NO. XIV.--LE PETROLIUM; OU, LES SALOPERIES PARISIENNES.

(_Par Zorgon-Gola, Auteur de "Toujours Poivre," "Charbon et Crasse,"
"La Fange," "499 Pages d'Amour," "Le Pourvoyeur Universel," "Une
Reveuse qui vise l'Academie_.")

I.--LA FAMILLE.

Si vous voulez voir les _Slums_ Parisiens et comprendre le
Peuple--avec la majuscule--vous devez visiter les Saloperies, faubourg
au dela de Belleville et de Menilmontant, faubourg ou les femmes
sortent le matin en cheveux--ca ne veut pas dire comme Lady GODIVA,
mais simplement sans chapeau--acheter de la charcuterie; et ou ve