tness: "I can't say for certain."

Judge: "Is it anything like your writing?"

Witness: "I don't think it is."

Judge: "Can't you identify it?"

Witness: "Not quite."

Judge: "Well, let me see, just write your name here and I will examine
the two signatures."

Witness: "I can't write, sir."

Medical men are not as a rule the best witnesses, being too fond of
using technical words peculiar to them in their own profession. In an
action for assault tried by a Derbyshire common jury before Mr. Justice
Patteson, a surgical witness was asked to describe the injuries the
plaintiff had received; he stated he had "ecchymosis" of the left eye.
Upon the judge inquiring whether that did not mean what was commonly
understood by a black eye, the witness answered: "Yes."--"Then why did
you not say so, sir? What do the jury know of 'ecchymosis'? They might
think, as the farmer did of the word 'felicity,' used by a clergyman in
his sermon, that it meant something in the inside of a pig."

A notorious thief, being tried for his life, confessed the robbery he
was charged with. The judge thereupon directed the jury to find him
guilty upon his own confession. The jury having consulted together
brought him in "Not guilty." The judge bade them consider their verdict
again, but still they brought in a verdict of "Not guilty." The judge
asking the reason, the foreman replied: "There is reason enough, for we
all know him to be one of the greatest liars in the country."

"Have you committed all these crimes?" asked the judge of a hoary old
sinner. "Yes, my lord, and worse." "Worse, I should have thought it
impossible. What have you done then?"--"My lord, I allowed myself to be
caught."

"I knows yer," said a prisoner to the present Lord Chief Justice, "and
many's the time I've given yer a hand when ye've been stepping it round
the track like a greyhound. So let's down lightly, like a good cove as
yer are."

* * * * *

The retort of a witness to Lord Avory was too good to be soon forgotten,
and is still circulating among the juniors of the law-courts. "Let me
see," said his lordship, "you have been convicted before, haven't
you?"--"Yes, sir," answered the man; "but it was due to the incapacity
of my counsel rather than to any fault on my part."--"It always is,"
said Lord Avory, with a grim smile, "and you have my sincere
sympathy."--"And I deserve it," retorted the man, "seeing that you were
my counse