a missing grandfather of your
own?"

"No," smiled Alice, "but I've read all the books in the public library
and I thought he might have a tail to tell that I would find amusing."

"Well, I'm very sorry," said the sweet voice. "Grandfather died forty
years ago, so I don't believe he can help you. I would advise you to go
up to the Monkeyhouse and ask one of your own brothers. Good-bye."

"Good-bye," said Alice.

"Well?" asked the Hatter with a grin. "What do you think of it?"

"Why--it's perfectly wonderful," said Alice. "If that were to happen in
New York or even in Brooklyn or Binghamton Mrs. S. Van Livingston Smythe
would have been very indignant, not only over the question, but for the
mere fact that the--er--wash-lady dared ring her up at all."

"Exactly," said the Hatter, with a bland smile of satisfaction. "This
Municipaphone controlled by strict rules which people must obey is a
great social leveller."

"But why did Central want my name and address?" asked Alice.

"Because Central has to keep a record of all that everybody says for the
Inspector of Personal Communications," explained the Hatter. "Every word
you and Mrs. Smythe spoke was recorded at the Central Office, and if
either of you had used any expression stronger than Fudge, or O Tutt you
would have been fined five dollars for each expression and repetition
thereof. We expect to establish Civic Control of Public and Private
Speech within the next year, and we have begun it with supervision of
the Municipaphone."

"But," cried Alice, "If I had said something that required a fine,
wouldn't Mrs. O'Flaherty, who is innocent, have had to pay?"

[Illustration: "FINED FIVE DOLLARS"]

"Yes," said the Hatter. "But in all cases where the public welfare is
concerned, private interests must yield however great the hardship. That
is one of the fundamental principles of Municipal Ownership. Mrs.
O'Flaherty would have to suffer in order that the great principle
involved in Polite Speech for all Classes might prevail. The strict
enforcement of our anti-Gosh legislation has resulted almost in the
complete elimination of profane speech in Blunderland--so much so in
fact that in the new Dictionary we are compiling such words as Golramit,
Dodgastit, and Goshallhemlocks are being left out altogether."

[Illustration: "THE DICTIONARY WE ARE COMPILING"]

"It is a great moral agency," said the White Knight. "It increases the
self-respect of the submerged, curbs t