e-table. I am
simply tolerated, perhaps as an object of ornament, perhaps as an
object of use. This is a humiliating confession; the thought that it
is actually true pains me poignantly.

I never supposed I was a moral coward, but I must be; otherwise I would
weeks ago have called an open-air mass-meeting of the apple-tree
agents, the fire-underwriters, the patent pavers and the others, and
confessed to them that their attentions were misdirected, and that I
was not in fact _the_ fortunate being whose lot they sought to better.

A strangely craven consideration withheld me from this manly course. I
suspected that as soon as I divulged the truth I would be forsaken by
this troupe--this retinue of unctuous courtiers. In my imaginings I
beheld myself deserted and alone, while the vast army of my quondam
attendants and flatterers tagged after and surrounded and fawned upon
Alice, the real purchaser and actual owner of our new place!

I make a candid exposition of these things, not more for the purpose of
relieving my conscience of its long pent-up misery than for the purpose
of disclosing that which may happily serve as a warning to my
fellow-beings. I long ago discovered that one of the compensations of
human folly is the example which that folly affords for the discreet
guidance of others.

VII

OUR PLANS FOR IMPROVEMENTS

The result of the numerous conferences between Alice and Uncle Si was
rather surprising to me. It involved the expenditure of somewhat more
than three thousand dollars. However, a letter had been received from
our beneficent friend, Mr. Black, in which that estimable gentleman
expressed the conviction that we ought not to try to live in a house
that did not have the ordinary conveniences of a modern city home, and
that we should add whatever improvements we deemed necessary to our
comfort; these pleasing expressions of opinion were supplemented by the
still more pleasing intimation that Mr. Black would advance us whatever
sum was necessary to the provision of the changes and innovations we
deemed expedient. It was evident that Mr. Black was most kindly
disposed toward us; at the same time our munificent patron took
occasion to caution us against extravagance and to impress upon us a
sense of the necessity of constant and rigorous economy--"especially
and particularly in the direction of those vanities which simply
gratify an individual whim, and are of no practical value whatsoever.