of them?"

"Oh, I--er," you stutter--"what I mean to say--that is--Oh, dash it, let's
go and get tea somewhere, what?"

PATLANDER.

* * * * *

From the _dramatis personae_ in a Malta opera-programme:--

"Singers, Old Beans, and Abbes."

The "old beans" no doubt were drawn from the local garrison.

* * * * *

"The old wooden streets which survived in the more ancient parts of the
capital [Petrograd] have, on account of the lack of fuel since the
Bolshevists became all-powerful, been torn down and demobilished."--
_Daily Paper_.

The last word in destructiveness.

* * * * *

"The standing joint committee of the Industrial Women's Organisations
have passed a resolution unanimously endorsing the action of the
Consumers' Council in opposing the decontrol of meat."--_Daily
Graphic_.

The "standing joint" committee would seem to be the very one for the job.

* * * * *

[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES.

HOW TO APPEAR BEAUTIFUL THOUGH PLAIN:--SURROUND YOURSELF WITH SPECIMENS OF
THE LATEST ART.]

* * * * *

DRESS OF THE DAY.

"BATHROOM TOILETTES.

"This season balls and dances, both private and public, are being given
in greater numbers than ever."--_Local Paper._

* * * * *

"A couple of ciphers, followed by a string of noughts, represents
Germany's debt to France. And it looks as if the noughts are all France
will get in the present generation."--_Evening Paper._

But it is possible that under pressure Germany might throw in the ciphers
as well.

* * * * *

"LOST AND FOUND.

"ADDRESS BY THE LORD ADVOCATE.

"Will the party who took the wrong Umbrella from the Ante-Room, Music
Hall, kindly return same in exchange for his own to ----, Music Hall?"
--_Scotch Paper._

An odd address for the LORD ADVOCATE.

* * * * *

"Wells' 'History of the Universe' describes the slow disappearance of
certain species, taking hundreds of thousands of years to do it."--
_Daily Paper_.

In an age of hustle it is gratifying to find one eminent author approaching
his work with due deliberation.

* * * * *

THE PROFITEER'S ANTHEM.

"The Hy