paragraph--of twisting, turning, transmogrifying, dissecting,
kicking, cuffing, illustrating, turning inside out, and outside in again
the aforesaid paragraph. The real master of this art will show his skill
by the great number of times in which he will manage to say "We" in the
course of his lucubration.

III. QUALIFICATIONS OF A CANDIDATE.

_Density_.--This indicates the utter incapacity of a candidate to
understand any public question. It is a very safe quality, for the more
he knows, the less likely is he to commit himself. It is an equally
pleasant quality, since it enables its possessor to take the fence and
to maintain it, while, by a sort of optical delusion, each party
supposes him to be upon its own side. It saves regular out and out
_lying_, if Mr. GREELEY will allow us to use so strong a word. For
instance, if asked, "Are you in favor of a Protective Tariff?" the
candidate may answer, "I am" (for he doesn't know whether he is) or "I
am not" (for he does not know but he may be a most cantankerous Free
Trader). In this way he may, with Roman honesty, satisfy everybody, and
promote peace and good-will and that sort of thing in the handsomest
manner.

_Capillary Attraction_.--This is analogous to receptivity in the voter.
If the citizen drinks hugely, the candidate must be able to keep up with
him; and to have a sponge stomach equal to the absorption of quarts, and
even of gallons, is a piece of excellent good fortune for the man who is
fool enough to want to go to Congress, instead of enjoying the delights
of obscurity. Verily, he has his reward. He who suffers in the gin-mills
of New York may recover himself in the Champagne-sparkling saloons of
Washington.

_Pecuniosity_.--"To him that hath shall be given." The candidate must
beg, borrow, or steal something to begin with. He must possess a power
of bleeding equal to that of twenty-four country doctors.

MR. PUNCHINELLO has here given a skeleton sketch of his great work upon
politics. The reader had better make the most of it; for the Great Book
will not be published until after the author's death, which he doesn't
think (if he knows himself) is likely to happen tomorrow. And so he
closes with a brief exhortation: Go on, worthy gentlemen! Continue to
spend, drink, war, falsify, for the good of your country! Are you a
Voter? Show yourself to be such indeed, by voting all day, all the time,
and at all the polling-places! Are you a Candidate? Show yourself