t overwhelms me: for how, or by what
gate, shall I pass away? When will death come, and in what disposition
will it find me? Shall I suffer a thousand pains which will make me die
in despair? Shall I die in a transport of joy? Shall I die of an
accident? How shall I stand before God? What shall I have to offer Him?
Shall I return to Him in fear and necessity, and be conscious of no
other feeling but terror? What can I hope for? Am I worthy of Paradise?
Or worthy only of Hell? What an alternative! What perplexity! Nothing is
so mad as to leave one's safety thus in uncertainty; but nothing is more
natural; and the foolish life I lead is perfectly easy to understand. I
plunge myself into these thoughts; and I find death so terrible, that I
hate life more because it leads to death, than because it leads me
through troublesome places. You will say I wish to live for ever. Not at
all; but if I had been asked, I would willingly have died in my nurse's
arms, for I should thus have avoided many sorrows and would have secured
heaven with certainty and ease.

_The Order of God_

Providence wills order; but if order is nothing other than the will of
God, almost all that occurs is done against His will: all the
persecutions, for instance, against St. Athanasius; all the prosperity
of ill-doers and tyrants--all this is against order and therefore
against the will of God. We must surely hold to what St. Augustine says,
that God permits all these things so that he may manifest His glory by
means that are unknown to us. St. Augustine knows no rule nor order but
the will of God. If we did not follow this doctrine, we should be forced
to conclude that almost everything is contrary to the will of Him who
made it, and this seems to me a dreadful conclusion.

I should like to complain to Father Malebranche about the mice which eat
everything here; is that in order? Sugar, fruit, preserves, everything
is devoured by them. And was it order last year, that miserable
caterpillars destroyed the leaves of our forest-trees and gardens, and
all the fruit in the country-side? Father Payen, most peaceable of men,
has his head broken; is that order? Yes, Father, all that is doubtless
good. God knows how to dispose of it to His glory, though we know not
how. We must take it as true, for if we do not regard the will of God as
equivalent to all law and order, we fall into great difficulties.

You are such a philosopher, my very dear child, that the