again said, or rather sung the
professor. "Perhaps not, sir, but--"--"Now don't bother!" ejaculated
the other; "but sit down, and I'll tell you all about it." Our friend
sat down accordingly, while Abernethy, standing with his back against
the table, thus began: "I take it for granted that, in consulting me,
you wish to know what I should do for myself, were I in a predicament
similar to yourself. Now, I have no reason to suppose that you are
in any particular predicament; and the terrible mischief which you
apprehend, depends, I take it, altogether upon the stomach. Mind,--at
present I have no reason to believe that there is any thing else
the matter with you." (Here my friend was about to disclose sundry
dreadful maladies with which he believed himself afflicted, but he was
interrupted with "Diddle-dum, diddle-dum, diddle-dum dee!" uttered in
the same smooth tone as the previous part of the address--and he was
silent.)--"Now, your stomach being out of order, it is my duty to
explain to you how to put it to rights again; and, in my whimsical
way, I shall give you an illustration of my position; for I like to
tell people something that they will remember. The kitchen, that is,
your stomach, being out of order, the garret (pointing to the head)
cannot be right, and egad! every room in the house becomes affected.
Repair the injury in the kitchen,--remedy the evil there,--(_now don't
bother_,) and all will be right. This you must do by diet. If you put
improper food into your stomach, by Gad you play the very devil with
it, and with the whole machine besides. Vegetable matter ferments, and
becomes gaseous; while animal substances are changed into a putrid,
abominable, and acrid stimulus. (_Don't bother again!_) You are going
to ask, 'What has all this to do with my eye?' I will tell you.
Anatomy teaches us, that the skin is a continuation of the membrane
which lines the stomach; and your own observation will inform you,
that the delicate linings of the mouth, throat, nose, and eyes, are
nothing more. Now some people acquire preposterous noses, others
blotches on the face and different parts of the body, others
inflammation of the eyes--all arising from irritation of the stomach.
People laugh at me for talking so much about the stomach. I sometimes
tell this story to forty different people of a morning, and some won't
listen to me; so we quarrel, and they go and abuse me all over the
town. I can't help it--they came to me fo