Could anything better befall me than being with her? Can one
sign of love give more happiness than another? It may be a different
one, but not meant to be more genuine.

Suddenly she got somewhat ahead of me. I started to catch up with her,
but did not exert myself especially, and the distance between us grew
still greater. Mara crossed the garden; try as I might, I remained
farther and farther behind; she strode ever farther from me,
disappeared in the bushes, appeared again, then vanished never to
return.

Oh, that I might at least have said good-by to her, have touched her
garment only once more, have looked once more into her mysterious eyes!

I sought for her in the whole gigantic park. I sat for a long time on
the marble curbing of the pool, where yesterday she had tarried, under
the erythrina also for a long time; in the green light of the bamboo
alley I walked and dreamed--dreamed of the solution of this riddle.

I stayed away from a class with which I was supposed to resume work
this afternoon, and did not return to the boarding school until the
wonted hour had struck.

On this night I could get no more real sleep than on the nights before.
Whether I lay awake or dozed, my thoughts incessantly hovered about the
mystery of these days, endeavored to overcome its fascination, and to
see clearly. Was the rapture which this maiden's beauty gave me not a
danger? Had I the right to let my pain at Mara's disappearance pass
away in this rapture? Was the pain not just and rightful? Every love is
a test of love, and one must meet the test! What must I nourish and
justify within me, Mara's love or my love? If I yield and bow to the
will of her love, how can I be faithful to mine? The love of man and
woman shall be like two linden-trees which grow separately side by
side, their tops only forming a single indistinguishable dome; but if
one trunk leans upon the other, they will wound each other in the storm
and will become crippled. Let the love of man and woman be like a sword
with two edges; neither edge may grow dull out of love for the other,
else they cannot unite to form a point. Let the love of two be the
untroubled unity of the man and of the woman of purest essence, so that
the man shall admit nothing womanish, and the woman nothing mannish
into her being; else they will become a puzzling confusion, not a
unity.

"Let the morrow be governed by my will!" I said to myself; and
a dream, the only one to abide with