How the spirit would have considered this proposition is still
uncertain, for Elizabeth never returned to the seances. She came to me
one day in a state of violent agitation. "I see Ned Akroyd when I was
out larst night," she began, "an' would you believe it, 'e's no more
dead than I am, the wretch!"

"Well, aren't you glad?" I inquired.

"Glad, an' 'im with another girl an' pretendin' all the time not to
see me! Men are 'ounds, that's what they are. An' I'll go to no more
seeonces. They're a swindle."

"They were wrong about telling you to change your habitation too,
weren't they?" I suggested insinuatingly.

"Course they were." Suddenly her face brightened. "I'll be able to
'ave the grammerfone back now," she said.

* * * * *

At the moment I am writing to the sounds of _K-K-K-Katie_, which, I
fear, is giving me rather a syncopated style. But if the Editor is
k-k-k-kind he will not banish me from _P-P-P-Punch_ for this reason,
as anyone can see my intentions are g-g-g-good.

Stay! _K-K-K-Katie_ has ceased and I can think lucidly. An inspiration
has come to me. Has not Elizabeth in her time wrought havoc among my
crockery? The hour is ripe for me to retaliate.

To morrow at dawn I shall examine the gramophone records and--_they
will come in two in my hands_.

It will be the first time I have broken any record.

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Wife_ (_to husband being bundled in as train moves
off_). "DID YE GET RETURN TICKETS?"

_Husband_. "NOA (_puff_)--DIDN'T 'AVE TIME."]

* * * * *

"MISUSE OF RESEARCH GRANTS.

By Professor ----, F.R.S."

_Sunday Paper Poster_.

We refuse to believe it.

* * * * *

THE CONSPIRATORS.

III.

MY DEAR CHARLES,--Essential to that millennium which our restless
revolutionaries are after is your head on a charger and my head on a
charger; provided both heads are present it may be the same charger
for all they care. When you think of the importance which we of
the detested middle classes attach to our heads and the regrettable
violence we might exhibit towards whoever called at our houses to
collect them, then it seems to me you must confess to a sneaking
admiration for the bravery of the turbulent minority in attacking so
big a problem.

But when you get the inside details of their schemes you find that
discretion is not only t